Wedding Present list

[Meganthemog]

OH and I have just received a wedding invitation from some not terribly close friends which includes a link to their wedding list with John Lewis - not open yet plus their bank details Now you can call me old fashioned but I find that a bit hard nosed!

[icelesley]

Are the bank details so you can send them money in lieu of a gift? A bit cheeky if you don't know them well. Ignore it an take them a tea cosy or something just to make a point

[Meganthemog]

We know them very well - we're just not that close ! He has a reputation as being very tight fisted but his partner is lovely. He's always second to the bar so that there is no danger of him getting a second round in. Turn up for dinner having "forgotten" to pop into the off licence for a bottle of wine. You know the kind!

[Riocaz]

Wedding lists have been the norm for at least the last 30 years to my knowledge.

It's supposed to try and stop the bride and groom receiving a dozen toasters or similar. Or where they are combining their household (if they have lived away from home for any length) just to get what they need that one or other doesn't already own, or have already lived together for a length of time and bought such things together already.

I see no problem with this. Better than them having to dispose of unwanted/unneeded stuff.

The bank details seems a tad off. But again some people really really hate vouchers.

[badgerbum]

We just had a little poem card in with invites saying gifts weren't required as we had everything house wise but if people insisted then we would use any donations for a honeymoon - oh and we used some of it to buy our puppy

I think the bank details is taking it a step too far really though

[StokeySue]

There's no point having a wedding list IMO unless you send the details with the invitation

And I agree with Riocaz - lists are the norm and have been for a long time, and probably for good reason

Going off at a slight tangent - it does amaze me what people put on the lists though; and they can get very expensive, but I think with slightly more mature weddings that's kind of inevitable, as if people have the basics, then they are asking for "best" china & glass & gizmos, which is eye-wateringly expensive anyway. Even younger people seem to come over all old-fashioned and want posh crockery though

But I agree bank details are unusual

[suffolk]

If a list is well-organised it should be easy for people to buy one or two pieces of a good dinner service for example, so that when the required number have been bought that item comes off the list. It seems a good system.
Think the bank details seem a little , but maybe someone asked ....... ?

[ianinfrance]

I'm a little surprised about the bank details, because normally you would buy at the store holding the list, and pay by card or cheque. Apart from that I don't see anything wrong in itself over the store wedding list.

[PurpleLuv]

The only thing on my list is guests "presence" appreciated

[Capt_Lightning]

When I got hitched 40 years ago, a wedding list would have been considered very bad taste. Unfortunately we got quite a few duplicated gifts, but when I mentioned this to mother, she just said that I was being ungrateful.. My sister said that she had the same experience!

[suffolk]

When I got married (44 years ago - I was a child bride!!!) some people asked for a list - Ma told them 'bedlinen, towels and a tea set'. We received virtually no bedlinen, hundreds of towels and a silver plated teapot, coffee pot, cream jug and sugar bowl

We were living in a caravan while we did up our first house and the first winter all the pipes froze then burst in the caravan. We took all the towels out of their cellophane wraps and put them all over the caravan floor to mop up

[MischievousRealRo]

We had a wedding list at John Lewis when we got married (nearly 10 years ago). OH had had flats but no useful items were retained and I lived at home until we got married so pretty much needed everything. I tried to make the list as varied in price and gifts as I could. As Suffs said some folk bought a plate or two of the expensive dinner service and we did end up with a whole service.

I don't understand the bank details bit though- sound dangerous

[PurpleLuv]

The only advantage I can see with bank details is it avoids the cheques being made to Mr & Mrs X when they don't have a joint account, I know one couple who do this every time & have never been approached to re-write a cheque

I have a habit of throwing some money / notes in cards regardless of the occasion but that's part lazy on my side & part knowing they can choose what they spend it on whatever they like.

[StokeySue]

I think the nicest thank you note I ever had was from the fiancee of a work colleague whom I'd not met

We clubbed together to buy a present and asked what they'd like; they didn't have a proper list but said towels in certain colours

I got back note saying approximately

"I understand from D that you must be the person who chose the lovely towels; I appreciate that you bought them from M&S but I like them so much I'm going to collect more of the same design, not return them!"

Now that's good manners

[Busybee]

Another wedding present quandary here.......

Attended a wedding early this month, bought a gift off the John Lewis list and my credit card has been debited ok. But we haven't had a 'thank you' yet, so I'm wondering........did they get the gift? If they didn't they probably think we are cheap skates, if I ask them if it's been received then I'm sort of pointing out their lack of manners in sending a thank you, am I a bit early in expecting a thank you yet??? It's a minefield!

BB

I wrote the next day to brides mother thanking her for a lovely wedding, just like wot my mum taught me to do!

[StokeySue]

If they've been away on honeymoon they might not have got to writing yet BB?

In fact they might not have had everything delivered if they've been away

Could you ask another friend if they've had a response? I'm sure JL have been efficient

[Busybee]

Well they have been back from honeymoon for three weeks.......will just have to wait it out. I hadn't thought about the fact that JL may not have delivered for a while.

We are out for dinner tonight with the grooms parents, which kind of reminded me, I suppose they could have passed a note to them to pass on as they know we see each other for dinner every month.

BB

[Zosherooney]

Not at all happy with the whole ethos.......

When we got hitched over 32 years ago we had a 'rip out book' seemed to work fine for us and the peeps buying, gifts from 50p to £10. My nephew got married and I did not attend and was offered the expensive 'list' nothing under £50 - sorry but our finances would not stretch that far, never seen them, now would not want to, felt like cash cows.

[jrc]

When Bob and I got married eight years ago we pretty much had everything we needed after combining two homes already. We did not ask for any gifts at all but if someone asked us what we would like we simply told them the colour scheme for each room. Kitchen - black and white. Lounge - cream and terracotta. Bathroom - white and lilac. Bedroom - white and burgundy. Or anything for the garden.

That gave enough scope for people to choose to include all budgets. We ended up with something for every room plus two lovely ceramic urns complete with bushes for the garden.

[mum-at-the-oven]

We had a note of gifts but only to show anyone who asked. MIL kept it as I hadn't met most of OH's family so it was just a guide really for his family. Even then I felt uncomfortable with it. We did end up with a lot of towels in varying colours and some very odd presents, one of which was a bright yellow plastic (the brittle type that would not withstand any heat) pot with a matching fish slice and slotted spoon

Nowadays I don't see a problem with wedding lists and if really couldn't afford any of the expensive presents that people ask for then I would buy a set of plain white towels. I do think however that listing bank details is in poor taste!

[StokeySue]

We did not ask for any gifts at all but if someone asked us what we would like we simply told them the colour scheme for each room

A new one on me - but it is a really good idea

[Seatallan]

I have no problem with lists as long as there is a good range of items, the list is fairly generic (we didn't have one with a specific store, just asked a family member to act as list custodian so things weren't duplicated) and nothing is too expensive. I also think it should be made clear that the list is only a guide (and that there is no expectation that a present, whether or not on the list, will be provided). That's what we did and no-one to my knowledge was offended by it.

I think I have mentioned previously that OH's family has a similar Xmas tradition (everyone has a present list and gifts are chosen from the list with various members of the family actiing as list custodians). Again, there is no expectation that you have to buy something from the list- it's just a guide- but it generally works very well and means no one is stuck for inspiration (or anyone receives something they will never use).

[Meganthemog]

I should have worded my OP more carefully. I have no problem with a wedding list - it was the bank details that got me!

[cyprusmoira]

we had a 'rip out book' seemed to work fine for us and the peeps buying

I have been given this as a wedding present list, I thought that it worked well as you could commit yourself to buying something the couple wanted without other peoples knowledge, if you are worried about that sort of thing.

I agree about the bank details, that we get me too.

[Ratatouille]

The bank details would really bug me too.

49 years ago when we got married both mothers had charge of a list of suggestions and communicated with each other what people were buying. Never-the-less we ended up with no fewer than 24 egg cups (don't even like boiled eggs) and two toasters. In those days it was traditional for either your parents or godparents to buy a canteen of cutlery.
For our golden wedding next year we have already decided that we will say no gifts please but if desired a donation to our favourite charity.

[jrc]

We did not ask for any gifts at all but if someone asked us what we would like we simply told them the colour scheme for each room

A new one on me - but it is a really good idea

Sue, it worked well for us and didn't compromise anyone's budget. We got some lovely gifts that complimented every room.

[Hope]

When we got married, we were quite young, so didn't really have anything, other than a few things we'd "borrowed" off our parents, so needed practically everything. I devised a list (Mr Hope isn't really interested) and my mum was the guardian of the list. It was only given to those that asked. So I think it was only my family that bought us things. I can't remember now what his family bought us (or if they gave us money). It worked well and we only ended up with a few extra side plates as mum admitted she'd messed up somewhere! I can't remember anything on the list being over £50. And someone could just buy one side plate or a mug if they wanted/that's all they could afford.

Similarly during both my pregnancies I made lists of baby things (the second one was very short as we reused everything we could). Again mum looked after it and only gave it to those who asked. I know most of them were grateful for it! The second list stated "no clothes" as we had so many (those from #1 son and more my sister had bought for her son), but we still got clothes, most of which I very ungratefully exchanged for toys and other things. I hate waste and that includes having over 20 babygrows in one size, that only last him a month!

The bank thing... well I actually would prefer to do a bank transfer online than write a cheque, if I was inclined to give a monetary gift. Although it still does seem very calculating and odd. Something that people should ask for if they wanted to do it, rather than something you just hand out. There is no danger from giving out your bank details as people can't just take money out if they know your number, otherwise it'd be dangerous to give people cheques, which also show the number.

[Riocaz]

The only advantage I can see with bank details is it avoids the cheques being made to Mr & Mrs X when they don't have a joint account, I know one couple who do this every time & have never been approached to re-write a cheque

THEY STILL HAVE A CHEQUE BOOK?!?

As I recently said to a solicitor who sent me a list of payment methods (cheque or cash). "The last time I saw a cheque was over a decade ago..." To which they said "Yes, most people say that, here are our bank details, just do a money transfer".

Which is probably why they offered bank details come to think of it. + It saves them from losing cheques... For example, my Sister and BiL lost a wedding cheque for £200. They knew they had it when they opened everything. But couldn't find it when they got home (and helpfully hadn't noted who it came from).

[StokeySue]

I have a cheque book

I used 6 cheques last year - all put in the post to small businesses I think

[tezza]

I had a solicitor appointment last year. They would not accept debit card payment there and then, although I had it in my bank at that moment in time, asked me to send them a cheque. Could I find my cheque book? Forgot all about it, well actually I thought my Mum had paid and she thought I had. One chase up letter six months later and I sent them a cheque only for them to take six months to bank it!

It is all instant transfers now isn't it? Although I am still to sign up for internet banking......

[StokeySue]

I've actually made a complaint to NatWest this week

I've been doing very basic internet banking for years, and I am sure I used to be able to order euros on line, and have them debited from my current account. I would then pick them up from the bank, using a card & a passport to prove they were mine

Easy-peasy

Now I have to come out of the secure login and complete a complex on-line form that does not meet normal web design standards for legibility and requires me to re-enter all the information already stored behind my login and my debit card number, just as if I didn't have an account with them

Surely the point of having a login is that it takes you to a one-stop shop?

[JacS]

I used to be quite opposed to 'overt' wedding lists, finding them rather crass - but I have mellowed! I assume that so many guests ask what they can buy that it is simpler to include with invite. The bank details seems a bit forward but then it does mean guests can give exactly what they want rather than trying to find something about the right value and ending up with some fairly random item.
I do think that with store lists there is the temptation (or encouragement from the store) to add stuff you don't really want or need. I went to a wedding a few years back where the wedding list included a rather expensive picnic rug, and two toilet brushes (for a home they'd been living in for some while). I could not bare to spend on such banal items (did not begrudge the money, just doubted how much they wanted these things) I went off message and purchased a patch of woodland through a charity, which I felt was much more in keeping with the friend I knew, the groom. I did not receive any kind of thank you note (no doubt the store coordinated those too!) But some months later at another party he told me how much he had appreciated it, that I had given something that I felt was more suited to his values. Since then I have felt a bit braver about deviating, though it does not arise often as I'm not in the age bracket for weddings - I suppose it will soon be the big anniversaries instead!

[Gruney]

I've actually made a complaint to NatWest this week

I've had fun and games with HSBC recently. Like you I do use internet banking facilities for basic day to day transactions, but have always obtained euros over the counter. A few days ago I went to the branch as usual, and the very helpful young lady said she'd show me how to order euros over the internet - in fact she said she'd do it for me and I could watch.

All was going well, and I was following attentively, until my card was rejected - apparently it had been used fraudulently at some time that morning.

The Bank Official then phoned the fraud department - the fraudulent transaction was timed as being when she was using my card to show me how to order my euros. There was then quite a bit of to-ing and fro-ing before the fraud department believed that the branch weren't using my card fradulently. I just thought the whole thing was hilariouss.

[uschi]

I bet she was relieved that you took it so well.

[WWordsworth]

Wedding presents lists have their place but I agree they can sometimes smack of greed.
Remember the topiary shears last year?

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=11019

We haven't actually given them a gift yet.
The are getting a climbing rose from us but their garden is being redesigned at the moment, so I have to make sure there is somewhere to put it.

[Ratatouille]

The daftest present daughter and fiancé got (he was and is an army officer) was 6 rose bushes. Seeing as how they have in the 15 years since their wedding moved 9 times what they were expected to do with them we had no idea - she gave them to her grandmother.

Re cheques we still use them regularly, UK ones to send gifts of money French ones at least once a week. There are still loads of places in France, or this part anyway, where only cheques or cash are accepted.

[icelesley]

I think if it was someone I knew well and I was giving them money instead of a gift , I would put actual cash in with the card rather than a cheque, a spurps said made out to Mrs and Mrs X does cause problems and embarrassment when they need to ask you to change it.

[WWordsworth]

And we shouldn't assume all married women change their name
I didn't

[Seatallan]

Remember the topiary shears last year?

How could I ever forget! In fact, I thought of that as soon as I saw this thread. I still giggle about the topiary shears.

[WWordsworth]

I have just read through the topiary thread and had a few chuckles

[Busybee]

I loved the topiary thread, I think it's one that will stand the test if time and will still make me giggle in years to come!

BB

[earthmaiden]

I don't object to store wedding lists, requests for contributions to the home, the honeymoon or whatever people would like, but I do object to the details being sent with the invitation. It seems very bad form to me even though it appears to be the norm nowadays and as most people will ask to see a list it makes sense and saves postage.

There is nothing worse than receiving expensive but hideous wedding gifts IMO, I would far rather give the couple something they would really like and then perhaps something small of my own choosing if appropriate.

[WWordsworth]

How about an update....

My fears were founded.
About 2 years ago the bride had a massive fallout with the lady of the next door house.
She accused her of throwing coffee grounds at her drying laundry, and of throwing a stone over the fence and breaking her window.
The bride called the police for the second event.

However, she should have checked her facts.
The neighbour does not drink ground coffee (the bride does), the neighbour was ill in bed when the stone was thrown.
I used to live in the bride's house and it would be extremely difficult to thrown a stone and hit the window from the neighbour's garden.
The bride called the police because she claims her husband was in the room at the time, where the window was broken.
He says he was in the bath.

The bride erected an 8-ft fence along the garden, timing it so when the neighbour and her husband and children returned from holiday it was being carried out.

The bride told a mutual friend I was "fraternising with the enemy" - because I didn't take her side, I didn't actually take either side.
At this point I lost the plot and told her I would fraternise with whoever I bl%%dy well chose.
She apologised, said she hadn't said that at all, and that she thought she was speaking to our mutual friend in confidence.
Not sure how that works.

Anyway, I accepted her apology and we bumbled along until last autumn, mainly because her husband is an old and dear friend.
I invited them to our 25th wedding anniversary party, plus the neighbours she fell out with, along with lots of other people.
I explained to the neighbours that the bride and groom would be there, they said no problem and they would love to join us.
I said the same to the bride and groom.
The bride TEXTED me to say she was sorry she was unable to accept the invitation.

We are quite a friendly bunch on our street and each Christmas someone hosts a drinks party for all the neighbours.
The bride and groom accepted the invitation but did not turn up.

Then the house went on the market.

The bride and groom moved out a couple of weeks ago, we only know because someone saw the removal van being loaded.
We know their property is about 20 miles away and we know the name of the village, but that is all.
The groom has lived in our village since 1992 and we have been very good friends since then, he was well-liked and well-respected in our community, until a couple of years ago.

There is quite a crowd of us who socialise together. Not one person has the new address.
Isn't that sad.

And she blanked me in the street the week before they moved.

[WWordsworth]

I think I posted that on the wrong place.
It should have been on the topiary thread, would someone care to move it?

[Busybee]

I have enjoyed rereading both this and the topiary thread. Lovely to read this posts from people we don't hear from anymore. The topiary shears always springs to mind when we go to a wedding, alas I don't think we know anyone posh enough to get any use from a pair.

Seems your concerns were well founded.........how sad that the groom has been isolated from his longstanding friends. The bride may be a right nightmare, but he has, at best condoned her behaviour and allowed his friendships to wither.

BB

[TeresaFoodie]

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but....I do find these lists practical but cardboardy, if you know what I mean. It's just tick a box online and Bob's your Uncle. Job done. I would rather create a lasting gift and give it to the bride and groom personally than chuck it on a pile by the wedding cake or chuck it online. There doesn't seem to be any personal touch in all of this.
I am getting old aren't I?

[earthmaiden]

Very sad when marriage changes the equilibrium of friendships to such an extent. Isn't it strange how those rose tinted glasses help people to make misguided choices! Perhaps the man is happy - but I have my doubts!

I don't remember the topiary shears ....

[Zosherooney]

I too, have read both threads - it has the makings of a successful TV series !

[Pepper Pig]

Both my daughters and their boyfriends owned properties when they set their wedding dates. They had everything necessary for a starter home and on their wedding invitations said they did not need anything but if anyone wanted to contribute to the honeymoon fund that would be very kind. That really is the norm around here.

I am so looking forward to my eldest son and his boyfriend's wedding. I've not been to a gay wedding and I don't know whether I will be mother of the bride or the bridegroom.

PS. It hasn't been mooted yet!

[StokeySue]

Are they not both grooms at gay weddings? They both end up as husbands anyway (or wives if both female, so presumably they are both brides )
Should be fun anyway, my understanding is because they don't feel obliged to stick to tradition many gay couples come up with interesting twists on the celebration