Friendship dilema?

Order yourself a latte, and a pastry (The virtual cinnamon buns are excellent today). And have a nice chat.

Friendship dilema?

Postby Zosherooney » May 6th, 2019, 7:35 am

Just wondering if any Wildies might offer some help or advice.....

We have known a couple for some 30+ years and we all used to be in a crowd. Over time with a slight disagreement and a house move we drifted apart. A year ago they moved a lot closer to us and for the last year we have had several meals out in pubs sometimes with another couple as well, who also know them. We are all 'in retirement', for me I much prefer lunchtime meals as I tend to retire to my pit by 10ish - sometimes earlier. We have suggested a lunchtime pub meal but she has declined as she has a horse/livery and that is her reasoning for an evening meet up. Last time I tentatively asked if we were to BBQ at home in the Summer, would they be able to make a 2.30 K.O.? It was received initially with a yes. A week ago we sent an e-mail to both couples inviting to said BBQ. We received an e-mail back saying that because of her hate of any food shopping, entertaining of any kind (it stresses her out too much), we should stick to pub meals. There was also a comment that we were annoyed with them in the past for non reciprocation. We presently have a meal at a pub booked for later in May and I feel that we need to sort this situation before then.

My present feeling is to suggest they come over after we have eaten (BBQ) day. Although I feel they will decline completely but I do not want to be taken advantage of again... Maybe we should just leave it at pub meals with them in this situation ?
User avatar
Zosherooney
Registered
 
Posts: 11689
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 3:04 pm

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Suelle » May 6th, 2019, 8:15 am

Your last sentence sums it up. This couple are going to feel very uncomfortable if they don't feel able to reciprocate with any sort of home entertaining, whatever assurances you give about its necessity or simplicity. Stick to pub meals - ask to meet earlier in the evening if necessary for your bedtime regime.
User avatar
Suelle
Global Moderator
 
Posts: 5628
Joined: March 30th, 2010, 6:19 pm
Location: Cambridgeshire

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby earthmaiden » May 6th, 2019, 8:38 am

Yep. I think in many cases it's inevitable that relationships with people change or break over the years as their circumstances and tastes change, as well as them gaining confidence to stick to what they like. Meeting in a pub removes any reciprocation issues and if the people are busy during the day it is clear to see why lunchtime is difficult.

Accept their rejection with grace, make sure they know they are welcome to drop in later for a drink if they want to - but don't be disappointed if they don't. Early evening pub meals seem to be the way forward - if both parties really do want to get together that is!
User avatar
earthmaiden
Registered
 
Posts: 12156
Joined: April 2nd, 2010, 8:36 pm
Location: Wiltshire. UK

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Seatallan » May 6th, 2019, 8:48 am

Thirded.
Food, Felines and Fells (in no particular order)
User avatar
Seatallan
Registered
 
Posts: 9862
Joined: April 1st, 2010, 3:28 pm
Location: Cumbria

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Gruney » May 6th, 2019, 9:53 am

earthmaiden wrote:Accept their rejection with grace, make sure they know they are welcome to drop in later for a drink if they want to - but don't be disappointed if they don't. Early evening pub meals seem to be the way forward - if both parties really do want to get together that is!


You're a long while looking at the lid.
Gruney
Registered
 
Posts: 2489
Joined: April 1st, 2010, 6:45 am

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby suffolk » May 6th, 2019, 10:08 am

earthmaiden wrote:Yep. I think in many cases it's inevitable that relationships with people change or break over the years as their circumstances and tastes change, as well as them gaining confidence to stick to what they like. Meeting in a pub removes any reciprocation issues and if the people are busy during the day it is clear to see why lunchtime is difficult.

Accept their rejection with grace, make sure they know they are welcome to drop in later for a drink if they want to - but don't be disappointed if they don't. Early evening pub meals seem to be the way forward - if both parties really do want to get together that is!


Totally agree :tu:

Things change ... people change ... dinner parties in the 80s were fun ... then they became a bit competitive in some people's eyes and it spoiled it for a lot of folk. No matter how much you say you'll keep it simple and it's just for the company, some folk just don't want to do it ... you never know, they may feel just a little intimidated by the amount of work you've had done on the house and they may feel just a little inadequate ... I know that's not how you see it but it may be how they feel ... neutral territory like a pub meal will relax everyone. You never know, after a while things may progress ... but take it gently ... :D
“I am not lost, for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.” —Winnie-the-Pooh
User avatar
suffolk
Registered
 
Posts: 40086
Joined: August 11th, 2010, 6:47 am
Location: East Anglia, surprisingly!

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Zosherooney » May 6th, 2019, 11:33 am

Thank you my fiends, I think you are right, pub meals earlier. I can remember back in the mists of time she was upset not to have been invited to a function and I think we will go ahead with the BBQ with the other couple, it will be her loss at the end of the day. :luv: Thanks all.
User avatar
Zosherooney
Registered
 
Posts: 11689
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 3:04 pm

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby suffolk » May 6th, 2019, 11:59 am

I would still invite them, saying that you don't want them to feel left out but that you quite understand that they have commitments that mean they may not be able to make it. That way everyone's happy ... no one's nose is out of joint and everyone does what they want to do :tu:

OH's sister and her OH have horses ... they're usually in bed by 8pm and never come to family evening events ... that's just the way of it. Everyone knows that they don't mean to be antisocial ... it's just their way of life ... we still love them. :D
“I am not lost, for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.” —Winnie-the-Pooh
User avatar
suffolk
Registered
 
Posts: 40086
Joined: August 11th, 2010, 6:47 am
Location: East Anglia, surprisingly!

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Gruney » May 6th, 2019, 12:12 pm

Zosherooney wrote: it will be her loss at the end of the day.


That really wasn't what I was getting at earlier. It's your choice, and really none of my business - but you did ask.
Gruney
Registered
 
Posts: 2489
Joined: April 1st, 2010, 6:45 am

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby suffolk » May 6th, 2019, 12:28 pm

Zosherooney wrote: .... it will be her loss at the end of the day. :luv: Thanks all.


I think/hope that has come out as more unkind than you intended it to be :(
Last edited by suffolk on May 6th, 2019, 12:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“I am not lost, for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.” —Winnie-the-Pooh
User avatar
suffolk
Registered
 
Posts: 40086
Joined: August 11th, 2010, 6:47 am
Location: East Anglia, surprisingly!

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Zosherooney » May 6th, 2019, 2:52 pm

Sorry Suff, you are right, I love it for my guests to enjoy my efforts (is that selfish?) I don't succeed at a lot but if I can make a visit enjoyable and memorable then I like to think I have fulfilled a purpose.
User avatar
Zosherooney
Registered
 
Posts: 11689
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 3:04 pm

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Zosherooney » May 6th, 2019, 2:58 pm

Gruney, your comment took me some time to decipher but I got there in the end !
User avatar
Zosherooney
Registered
 
Posts: 11689
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 3:04 pm

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby northleedsbhoy » May 6th, 2019, 4:36 pm

Got to admit that I prefer eating with friends in a pub rather than at a house. I've always found them to be too 'formal' for my liking and it puts a lot of stress on the host and guests whether or not they best friends, family or just acquaintances. In a pub it's causal and more relaxing I find. It's the same with a barbecue as well, the exception being one for families with children because they can be fun.

Saying that it's each to their own and some folks may enjoy the formality but I certainly would criticise anyone for not wanting to attend dinner at my place for reasons such as as mine (not that there'd be any chance of me arranging a dinner party :lol:)

Cheers
NLB :tu:
northleedsbhoy
Registered
 
Posts: 1728
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 12:26 pm
Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Ratatouille » May 6th, 2019, 6:52 pm

Zosh.
I think one just has to admit that there are those like you, and I hope me, who are just congenitaly hospitable. Love entertaining and are totally at ease with it- in whatever style, and are not trying to out do anyone. On the other hand there seem to be those who find this a threat, a challenge and they feel threatened. this just has to be respected but if they want to keep freinds then they have to find an alternative way of socialising. you are actually quite lucky because you have lots of alternatives - pubs, restaurants etc. They could also invite you to a meal at the pub or a simple local restaurant and say they are paying or they are paying for the drinks. This of course requires a certain amount of social awareness.

Good luck!!
Last edited by Ratatouille on May 6th, 2019, 7:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Cooking for those you care about is the most profound expression of love - Anne-Sophie Pic
Ratatouille
Registered
 
Posts: 9082
Joined: August 23rd, 2013, 11:48 am

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby WWordsworth » May 6th, 2019, 6:58 pm

We have friends like that Zosh.
We meet at the pub, we go walking together. We have been friends for 25+ years but I have never been offered even a cup of tea in their house.
She tells me she doesn't entertain because she isn't confident in her catering.

If we have people round sometimes we invite them and sometimes we don't.
The relationship is easy. She doesn't get upset if they are not included, and I know there will be no reciprocation if they do join us.

Just go with the flow.
Maybe tell your pal she is welcome and she doesn't need to invite you back.
Enjoy their company and don't fret. :)
WWordsworth
Registered
 
Posts: 2941
Joined: September 10th, 2010, 7:09 am
Location: Derbys / Leics / Notts border

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Zosherooney » May 6th, 2019, 9:20 pm

Thank you and thank you again Wildies.... :luv:

Mine was never an attempt to over whelm just enjoy company and supply an adequate nutritional plate of bio matter to help the ongoing event.

I think I need to accept that others are not in the same vein and have different agendas..... We live and learn (even at my age !)

The recently received e-mail from her seems to be one of relief ! We will still go through with the BBQ with the other couple, they have already expressed interest in the near completion of the recent build.... he is involved with planning so that is a common area.
User avatar
Zosherooney
Registered
 
Posts: 11689
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 3:04 pm

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby suffolk » May 7th, 2019, 8:32 am

Zosherooney wrote:The recently received e-mail from her seems to be one of relief !


That's nice ... they obviously want to be friends with you ... they just don't get the entertaining bit ... some folk don't ... it takes all sorts :D :tu:
“I am not lost, for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.” —Winnie-the-Pooh
User avatar
suffolk
Registered
 
Posts: 40086
Joined: August 11th, 2010, 6:47 am
Location: East Anglia, surprisingly!

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Zosherooney » May 7th, 2019, 9:20 pm

Thanks Suff, you always manage to make me feel 'nearly normal' !!! :luv: :luv:

Having re-read your comments, it re-confirms what a wonderful bunch of peeps there are on this board with a broad range of supportive comments and I wish again to just thank you all for such enriching, confirming statements. I love you all !! :luv:
User avatar
Zosherooney
Registered
 
Posts: 11689
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 3:04 pm

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby suffolk » May 8th, 2019, 6:46 am

Awwww shucks :oops: :lol: :tu:
“I am not lost, for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.” —Winnie-the-Pooh
User avatar
suffolk
Registered
 
Posts: 40086
Joined: August 11th, 2010, 6:47 am
Location: East Anglia, surprisingly!

Re: Friendship dilema?

Postby Seatallan » May 8th, 2019, 8:37 am

:luv: :wave: :hug:
Food, Felines and Fells (in no particular order)
User avatar
Seatallan
Registered
 
Posts: 9862
Joined: April 1st, 2010, 3:28 pm
Location: Cumbria


Return to The Coffee Shop

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: aero280, Cheezy_Jazzy, Herbidacious, liketocook, suffolk and 77 guests