dealing with loved one's ashes

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dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby PatsyMFagan » January 13th, 2020, 9:17 am

As you may all recall, my ex-husband died last year and was cremated and his ashes not yet interred. His family and loved ones have plans that some (or most) will be put into his parents' grave with some of them being put in my grand-daughter's grave (in the same church-yard). Some may go back with his brother to the US and daughter plans to take the rest to Portsmouth ...

However, she seems to think the various caskets now need to be procured for the ashes to be split .. I think you would just open the original container and scatter the ashes over various places ... Is this the norm ? Has anyone else got experience of this. Daughter is as usual making a great big mountain out of a molehill ...
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Gruney » January 13th, 2020, 9:24 am

I simply scattered my OH's ashes straight from the original container - it was at a beauty spot we both liked, and where I'd also like mine to be scattered.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Suelle » January 13th, 2020, 9:26 am

I don't think it's something there are rules about, unless the ashes are being buried in opened graves, where another casket might be necessary - you'd need to ask whoever runs the cemeteries. For just scattering you could stick with one casket, although that means the portions need to be dealt with sequentially, which might not be as easy as splitting up the ashes beforehand.

I've dealt with one scattering, and one burial of ashes before, but never splitting them up.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby PatsyMFagan » January 13th, 2020, 9:34 am

thanks both .... that helps :tu:
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby suffolk » January 13th, 2020, 9:43 am

If the ashes are being interred it may be wise to check the rules at the cemetery involved. If the ashes are going to be split then there would seem a need for some suitably respectful containers, depending perhaps on the character of the deceased and their loved ones ... some folk are pragmatic and a Tupperware container would suit, others are more, how shall we say, sentimental and would prefer something they feel to be more fitting.

When we’ve been involved the basic container provided by the Crem was all we used.

I still have my Aged Ps’ ashes here. In the spring I will be tipping both lots into a bucket and giving them a good stir. I will then put half into one urn and half into the other. ‘My’ half will be scattered on the coast where they enjoyed walking the dogs. Bro wants his half to be scattered or interred in woodland on his farm ... but he’s not felt able to do this yet. I can see I’m going to have to be a slightly managing big sister.

I would mention that urns and all the accoutrements surrounding cremation and interment seem to be a real money-spinner for the industry. I would much prefer to go the DIY route as much as possible .... but then I’m a pragmatist, and so fortunately were my Aged Ps.

If you put Urns for Ashes into google there are thousands ... some costing a fortune, some much less .... I would add that having had a swift glance I didn’t see any I liked. :|
Last edited by suffolk on January 13th, 2020, 9:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby PatsyMFagan » January 13th, 2020, 9:46 am

Thanks Suffs ... exactly as I thought. I too am very pragmatic, but daughter not at all .... :tu:
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Pepper Pig » January 13th, 2020, 9:49 am

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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby StokeySue » January 13th, 2020, 9:53 am

I interred OH's ashes in his family grave, they had to be in a casket both because they were going into a vault and because that vault was in France and there are rules about the kind of container you can import the ashes in

My parents' ashes were scattered in the crematorium garden of remembrance, as a family we aren't greatly into memorials

I agree with Suffolk, really important to check the cemetery rules for interment or you can scatter them if the ground is suitable and it is not against the rules

I also agree that the special caskets and urns are expensive, I have known people repurpose an ornamental jar with a lid with some connection to the deceased,
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby aero280 » January 13th, 2020, 9:54 am

There are exorbitant charges at some cemeteries for scattering ashes. Many claim that the charge is for indemnifying you in case the ashes blow on to other graves, etc. Seems like some pseudo-legal rubbish to me.

My mother wanted her ashes scattered on her favourite aunt's grave. The charge was a basic £300, but then they said that, as my mother had not been a resident in the borough at the time of her death, the charge would be doubled to £600!! My mother would have been appalled at such usury. So we didn't go ahead with that. Her ashes now reside, hidden from view, in a plant pot full of her favourite flowers which sits on auntie's grave, to leach into the ground over time.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Busybee » January 13th, 2020, 9:55 am

You do need a certified biodegradable urn if remains are to be scattered at sea, but that’s the only regulation I am aware of. Local cemeteries May have local regulations.

I am aware if the at sea regulation as this is what my Dad wants, I’ve told him we are all going to splurge on a cruise and take him with us and hoik him over at an agreed point - there are regs about where etc.

If it all seems to difficult maybe your daughter should just wait until she can better face it?

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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby suffolk » January 13th, 2020, 9:57 am

Just a thought ... if your daughter knows any craftspeople it may be that she could commission a container ... or even make one herself ... IMHO a beautifully decorated papier-mâché container would be very fitting and ecologically sound.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby StokeySue » January 13th, 2020, 10:06 am

aero. it actually went through my mind that it might be possible to sneak the ashes into a bit guerrilla grave gardening, but your family has done it!
That's definitely something Patsy could assist with
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby jrc » January 13th, 2020, 10:37 am

Hi, it was many years ago now but my late ex father in law wanted his ashes scattered at sea as he was ex Navy.

My father organised it as a favour and I remember it quite well. He had to engage a Padre and the ashes had to be a minimum of three miles out.

The reason I remember it so well was when they went out in the boat it was very smooth but when the ashes were being scattered a dreadful storm appeared from nowhere with thunder and lightning. The full works. :terrified:

I don’t know if the rules have changed now, though. :oops: :hug:
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby suffolk » January 13th, 2020, 11:19 am

As Busybee says, there is no need to rush ... my Aged Ps have been quite snug together in their respective urns in a smart carrier bag in our study for quite some time - a few years now. Not everyone is ready to do these things at the same time ... I’m having to wait until my big strong huge-agri-business-running brother can bring himself to think about it. :luv:
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby earthmaiden » January 13th, 2020, 11:33 am

I think that the link PP has put up is excellent. I have never really understood why people go to expense and get permission etc when the sneaky 'Tupperware pot' approach would avoid all that. I suppose if you want a nice big ceremony you have to. I would be careful about rivers but had not considered that the minerals in the ashes might upset some kinds of plant life.

Pat, if some of the ashes are to be taken to the USA on a plane, I think there are quite strict rules around that.

My parents were left at the crematorium garden too. I have never regretted the decision and give a little wave if I go past the places where they are.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Gruney » January 13th, 2020, 11:44 am

suffolk wrote:As Busybee says, there is no need to rush ... my Aged Ps have been quite snug together in their respective urns in a smart carrier bag in our study for quite some time - a few years now. Not everyone is ready to do these things at the same time ... I’m having to wait until my big strong huge-agri-business-running brother can bring himself to think about it. :luv:


I waited for a full year, scattering them on the anniversary. My children accompanied me, and we are the only ones who know where she is.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby PatsyMFagan » January 13th, 2020, 5:26 pm

This is all happening on Thursday ... January 16th is the anniversary of my grand-daughter's birth and death as she only lived for 20 minutes (born at 25 weeks pregnancy) Even though this was more than 20 years ago, daughter has never come to terms with it. It was her decision to inform her late father's family and partner that this was the day she wanted to inter his ashes ... Wendy has now been able to source a couple of small bottles, each to be filled with his ashes, one to be buried in the baby's grave and the other to be kept until they are taken to Portsmouth and thrown off the end of Southsea Pier... The rest of his ashes will be interred in the grave with his parents, a nephew and an uncle - apparently all done without consent or knowledge of the relevant authorities. I am standing back and letting it all happen :rolleyes:
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Pepper Pig » January 13th, 2020, 5:29 pm

Pat, are she and pusscat still living with you?
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby PatsyMFagan » January 13th, 2020, 6:33 pm

Pepper Pig wrote:Pat, are she and pusscat still living with you?


Yes :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: ... stuff seems to be taking forever to get sorted at her flat ... she is on a different planet when it comes to being practical. Yesterday I asked her if she had cleared/cleaned out her fridge ... was told in no uncertain terms that she has has hardly been in a position to do anything about it !!! :shock: Working 4 days on and 4 days off gives her no time for such mundane things .. :?
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Pepper Pig » January 13th, 2020, 6:37 pm

Oh dear. Poor you.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby WWordsworth » January 13th, 2020, 6:44 pm

Mum's ashes were buried in Dad's grave, per her wishes.
We did it as close to their wedding anniversary as possible.
She had to be in a biodegradable container, I think we used a small basket with a lid.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Meganthemog » January 17th, 2020, 12:26 pm

We didn't ask permission when my MIL died - we just went to the garden of remembrance where FIL was scattered and did the deed! My mum was scattered in the botanical gardens behind a bench dedicated to her. This was done when the park was officially closed but the lovely head gardener let us in and left us to it :luv: I regularly go down and leave flowers on her bench - this is officially against the rules, but there again the lovely gardeners just turn a blind eye.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby PatsyMFagan » January 18th, 2020, 9:42 am

The deed was done on Thursday, all organised by my daughter . I had the temerity to tell her I really didn't want to go along to the grave which resulted in daughter going off into one of her rages and her changing a lot of the previous arrangements - like everyone coming back to my house (literally a 5 minute walk away from the churchyard) and deciding that her cousin from Wales was now going to stay at a hotel, not in my spare loft room ! So I was cut out of anything to do with it and didn't attend . The casket brought over from the US by ex BiL was quite a large wooden one by all accounts :rolleyes: :o
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby earthmaiden » January 18th, 2020, 10:28 am

:hug: :hug: hope you'll all be able to move on now, Pat.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Gruney » January 18th, 2020, 10:31 am

It's all behind you now Pat - you can close the book, and open a new one. Good luck.
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Seatallan » January 18th, 2020, 11:35 am

Glad it is over and done with Patsy. I can well understand why you didn't want to go to the grave. Hope your daughter gets over herself soon... :hug:
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby PatsyMFagan » January 18th, 2020, 3:54 pm

Thanks everyone for your support :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Pepper Pig » January 18th, 2020, 4:04 pm

Sorry to hear this Patsy. :hug: :hug: Any sign of your daughter moving back to her flat?
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby PatsyMFagan » January 18th, 2020, 4:42 pm

Not until her builder starts work ...that's another story. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby Rainbow » January 18th, 2020, 10:27 pm

Good that it's over now, Patsy, but sorry to hear about your daughter's behaviour :hug: :hug:
Hope she get's over it soon and also that her flat gets fixed and she can move back there!
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Re: dealing with loved one's ashes

Postby miss mouse » January 19th, 2020, 10:20 am

Rainbow wrote:sorry to hear about your daughter's behaviour


Yes. Silly girl.
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