THE DAILY YOKE

Order yourself a latte, and a pastry (The virtual cinnamon buns are excellent today). And have a nice chat.

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Chinchilla_lady » February 12th, 2018, 5:47 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: Well Done, made Mr C and me roar with laughter.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby scullion » February 12th, 2018, 6:21 pm

love it.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » February 12th, 2018, 8:47 pm

Brilliant!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » February 12th, 2018, 10:11 pm

Caesar and Brutus get tickets for the final.

Brutus doesn't turn up until half time.

"Sorry I'm late, Caesar - there was an accident on the way here - chariots all over the place. What's the score?"

" 8 - 2 Brute".
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby karadekoolaid » February 13th, 2018, 2:39 am

Two young ladies go to their favourite restaurant to have dinner.
The restaurant is packed and there are no tables available. Most of the tables are occupied by couples.
One of the ladies took her mobile and made a call.
Staring pointedly at the tables, and in a very loud voice, she said:
" HELLO, my dear friend!! I´ve just arrived at the restaurant and I noticed your husband sitting here with another woman! If I were you, I´d get down here as quickly as you can!"
ZAP!! 5 men ran out of the restaurant, and two more fainted.
7 free tables!!!
" Bite off more than you can chew, then chew like Hell!"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby earthmaiden » February 13th, 2018, 7:24 am

:lol: :lol: .. reminds me of a time I was asked to take a publicity photo in a local wine bar mid afternoon. Before starting, I told the couples frequenting the chosen area what I was doing in case they didn't want to appear in the final photo ... there were some red faces - it is an effective way to clear a bar :lol: .
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » February 14th, 2018, 9:40 am

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » March 4th, 2018, 5:25 pm

President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the world made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald.... duck!”
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » March 4th, 2018, 11:29 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: Laffs out loud......!!!!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby karadekoolaid » March 5th, 2018, 3:53 pm

I went to the zoo yesterday. It was terrible; worst zoo I've ever been to. It only had ONE dog. It was a Shitzu.
" Bite off more than you can chew, then chew like Hell!"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » March 5th, 2018, 4:23 pm

Excellent!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » March 5th, 2018, 5:25 pm

Super!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » March 5th, 2018, 5:47 pm

I love that! :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » March 5th, 2018, 7:02 pm

Big groan here..... I had to ask Mr. Z. to explain it.... :oops: Kool, don't bring any more like that next Saturday....
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby karadekoolaid » March 6th, 2018, 7:48 am

Hahaha! I've got about 200 more, no problem!!
" Bite off more than you can chew, then chew like Hell!"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » March 11th, 2018, 8:15 am

Chap driving down a country lane, when a cockerel runs out in front of him. He has no time to stop, and the cockerel is killed. There is a farmhouse opposite. He knocks on the door, which is opened by the farmer.

"I'm afraid I've just run over your cockerel - it was a pure accident, but I feel bad about it, and I'd like to replace it."

"Oh - that's very good of you. The hens are round the back."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby earthmaiden » March 11th, 2018, 10:18 am

:o :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 20th, 2018, 1:11 pm

Jack came home after playing a round of Sunday golf.
“How was your golf game, dear?” asked his wife, Lillian.
“Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”
“Well you’re 75 years old now, Jack, why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” suggested Lillian.
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” his wife pointed out.
The next opportunity Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
“Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » April 29th, 2018, 5:01 pm

As it is Sunday....... and I don't normally post on here......

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?…….. He spent most of the night thinking about a dog……..
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rainbow » April 30th, 2018, 10:31 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » June 19th, 2018, 3:01 pm

I wish people would stop criticising and frowning down on me when I breast feed in public. It is a very natural thing for any new mum to do, and it creates a strong bond between me and my dog.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby earthmaiden » June 19th, 2018, 8:36 pm

:o :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » June 21st, 2018, 12:38 pm

A shameless steal from the internet...

Insurance.jpg
http://www.saabtechtalk.com/
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby earthmaiden » June 21st, 2018, 1:09 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » June 21st, 2018, 1:30 pm

:lol:
Imagine peace
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » June 21st, 2018, 10:14 pm

I told my best friend today she'd drawn her eyebrows too high. She seemed very surprised.

(Sorry. That's terrible....)
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby slimpersoninside » June 22nd, 2018, 3:38 pm

TeresaFoodie wrote:I told my best friend today she'd drawn her eyebrows too high. She seemed very surprised.

(Sorry. That's terrible....)


Like it Teresa. Really made me laugh.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » June 22nd, 2018, 4:55 pm

It really is a terrible one, but I passed it on.... :D
http://www.saabtechtalk.com/
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » June 22nd, 2018, 5:25 pm

:grin: :tu:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » July 6th, 2018, 8:40 am

Two policemen call their station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have an incident here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No Sarge. The floor is still wet."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » July 6th, 2018, 8:55 am

:lol:
Imagine peace
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » July 6th, 2018, 10:38 am

:lol: :tu:
“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
― Virginia Woolf
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » July 25th, 2018, 3:07 pm

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to e xplain:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.



Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to e xplain:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » August 2nd, 2018, 11:15 am

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in an Ottawa bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
"I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. She answers,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three(3) words”.

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand --- He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."




( Our needs change as we get older! )
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby earthmaiden » August 2nd, 2018, 11:38 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » August 2nd, 2018, 11:50 am

:lol:

This brought back memori3s of covering our school books. We covered ours in used Christmas or birthday wrapping paper! :tu:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby earthmaiden » August 25th, 2018, 7:51 pm

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » September 3rd, 2018, 1:09 pm

WHY
did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets ?
If you shouldn't eat at night, is there a light in the fridge ?
If Cinderella's shoes fit perfectly, then why did they fall off ?
If money doesn't grow on trees do banks have branches


My dear wife swallowed a pocket watch
Twas only the other day
So now shes taking Epsom salts
To pass the time away
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » September 10th, 2018, 10:52 am

Dogs cannot work MRI scanners
But catscan
--------------------------------------
Turning Vegan would be a
Big missed Steak
-------------------------------------
What I if told you
You read the top line wrong
---------------------------------------------
FOR chemists alcohol is not a problem
It's a solution
---------------------------------------------
Despite the high cost of living
It remains popular
-------------------------------------------
I'm friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know Y
-------------------------------------
Irony is the opposite of
Wrinkly
--------------------------------------
If you go to the sea
And an Eel bites your knee
That's a Moray
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » September 12th, 2018, 8:16 pm

LOVE that last one, Hicks!!!!!! :lol:

Got that tune playing in my head now :? :rolleyes: :lol:

:lol:
Grasshopper
Spring ventures forth to plant the grain
And Summer dries the straw
Autumn gathers in the harvest
And Winter shuts the door

Image
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby scullion » September 21st, 2018, 7:43 am

thought this was the place to post it (rather than it being a joke!).

suffragette wife.jpg


a postcard in the pontypridd museum.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rainbow » September 21st, 2018, 10:01 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » September 22nd, 2018, 10:54 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: Think I agree with that :tu: ;)
“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
― Virginia Woolf
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » September 26th, 2018, 8:26 am

“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
― Virginia Woolf
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Meganthemog » September 27th, 2018, 11:33 am

:lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » September 28th, 2018, 6:51 am

The dangers of using your phone whilst walking....... Nice one Suffs. (Or in her case swimming !) :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » October 23rd, 2018, 12:20 pm

Man enters his bedroom - his wife is sitting on the end of the bed.

He gently pushes onto her back.

He produces a set of handcuffs, and handcuffs her to the bed.

He produces a roll of sticky tape, and sticks it over her mouth.

He sits on the end of the bed.






He puts his football hat and scarf on, and turns on the tv.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » October 23rd, 2018, 2:22 pm

:spank:
“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
― Virginia Woolf
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » October 23rd, 2018, 5:55 pm

Decided not to comment.....
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » October 23rd, 2018, 6:25 pm

Hmmm, I want to watch a match tonight, that's got me thinking'
Now where did I put those handcuffs, haven't used them in the last 40 years :lol: :lol: :lol:
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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