THE DAILY YOKE

Order yourself a latte, and a pastry (The virtual cinnamon buns are excellent today). And have a nice chat.

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » May 17th, 2015, 6:42 pm

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the
'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?'
she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,'
says the waiter,
'what you order?'
The husband replies,
'Chicken Surprise'
'Ah! So sorry,'
says the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'...
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby MrsWWoof » May 17th, 2015, 7:05 pm

LOL :-) that made me chuckle.
Hold on . . . until you find your smile again.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » May 18th, 2015, 8:27 am

Have another chuckle

In Eygpt, a mummy has been discovered completely covered in chocolate and nuts.

Archeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » May 18th, 2015, 9:54 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » May 19th, 2015, 5:18 pm

:lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby MrsWWoof » May 19th, 2015, 5:43 pm

:-)
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » May 22nd, 2015, 7:24 am

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at
the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.
Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
No,' she replies. .

Wait for it.



It's
coming.








The
suspense is killing you, isn't it?







She says :
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » May 22nd, 2015, 7:25 am

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » May 24th, 2015, 7:04 am

Not so much a joke but will make you smile
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."




On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels




At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."




On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."




On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."




At a Tyre Shop
"Invite us to your next blowout."





On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."




In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."




On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."




At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."




Outside a Silencer Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."




In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"




At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, YOU will be delighted."




In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."




In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."




RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."




And the best one for last...

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » June 3rd, 2015, 8:56 am

All passengers are sitting in the plane, and strapped into their seats.
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”
The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and enter the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff.
As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot says to his copilot, “You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late - and we’re all gonna die!”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » June 4th, 2015, 7:42 am

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid but when I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Guy at the bar says he's thinking of buying a Labrador . ”I wouldn't" says his mate. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.”

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » June 4th, 2015, 9:54 am

Who's been watching Tim Vine then, :lol: :lol: what a great one liner he is, love to go to one of his shows
Terry
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » June 4th, 2015, 3:22 pm

hickybank wrote:Who's been watching Tim Vine then, :lol: :lol: what a great one liner he is, love to go to one of his shows
Terry


Not me, it's one of OH's schoolfriend's husband who keeps sending them to OH on Facebook, though not sure if they came from him or the other two on Mock the Week - Milton Jones or the Canadian guy.

Today's Facebook - photo of Australian Prime Minster with bubble saying, 'I'm going to get rid of all illegal immigrants'. Below that is a photo of one of the original inhabitants saying, 'Oh goodie, it'll be nice to get our land back.'
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rainbow » June 4th, 2015, 11:41 pm

dennispc wrote:Today's Facebook - photo of Australian Prime Minster with bubble saying, 'I'm going to get rid of all illegal immigrants'. Below that is a photo of one of the original inhabitants saying, 'Oh goodie, it'll be nice to get our land back.'

I like it :tu: :tu: :lol: :lol:

Unfortunately his policy of not letting 'illegal immigrants' even get to Aussie shores has a lot of support over here ;) :roll eyes:
He really is a j**k and much worse!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » June 6th, 2015, 8:55 am

Hicky, what impresses me is that someone can remember those one liners to send around the world. Watched some of Mock the Week on Dave last night, can't remember one of 'em. :lol:

Though channel flicking the other night Lee Mack was hosting 'Live at the Apollo.' He's always wanted to kidnap Pat Cash (tennis player) so that when the family's paid the ransom, he can ring them and say, 'Do you want cash back?'
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » June 16th, 2015, 4:07 pm

A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport headed for New York.

As he took his seat and settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.

“Hello”, he blurted out, “business trip or vacation?”

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.” Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » June 16th, 2015, 4:13 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby MrsWWoof » June 16th, 2015, 4:17 pm

:D :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » June 17th, 2015, 10:45 am

Much too long to come from Tim Vine! ;)
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » June 20th, 2015, 8:50 am

Air Show Disaster at West ZWICK’S ISLAND PARK, BELLEVILLE, ONTARIO, CANADA.

AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS

This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.



Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.





















































Image

No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » June 20th, 2015, 11:09 am

Love it. :tu:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby amazing » June 27th, 2015, 10:33 pm

How the Greek Bail Out works.

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village . The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.



The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.



The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.



The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.



No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.
Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » July 1st, 2015, 8:15 am

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » July 2nd, 2015, 7:35 am

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls".
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » July 4th, 2015, 11:30 am

How long should a turkey last in a freezert?

What! 12 months?

Well I put one in yesterday. And it was dead this morning!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » July 13th, 2015, 6:16 pm

ou've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “ This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, “ We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
... 1/3 ownership of the business,
... a rent-free apartment,
... a king size bed and
... £5,000 a month in living expenses."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby amazing » July 13th, 2015, 11:04 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: I must steal this for my aunt.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » July 18th, 2015, 11:38 am

NEW Wine for Seniors.
I kid you not...




A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.


Vintners in the Hunter Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as







PINO MORE
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » July 18th, 2015, 1:49 pm

Thats for me then :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » July 18th, 2015, 3:19 pm

hickybank wrote:Thats for me then :lol: :lol: :lol:


:D

But not this

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day!"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » July 25th, 2015, 7:03 am

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in
the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's
husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in
the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear
anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '£ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots
and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your
friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were
new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your
terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again you little sod,
you're in my cupboard now'!!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » July 25th, 2015, 10:56 am

:lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » July 26th, 2015, 7:51 pm

I remember Ronnie Corbett telling a version of that joke during one of his 'chair' monologues.

:bounce:
Grasshopper
Spring ventures forth to plant the grain
And Summer dries the straw
Autumn gathers in the harvest
And Winter shuts the door

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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » August 3rd, 2015, 1:01 pm

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2!!..
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby ShotleyGirl » August 3rd, 2015, 1:57 pm

This is priceless. Oh, the power in words.
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
Laughter is brightest where food is best - Irish Proverb
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby ShotleyGirl » August 3rd, 2015, 1:58 pm

At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto , the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto . What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob ...."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ......"
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob ......"
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE..............

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

" Ernesto , if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
Laughter is brightest where food is best - Irish Proverb
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby ShotleyGirl » August 3rd, 2015, 1:59 pm

Three golfers are walking down the fairway...

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time nothing happens!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.

"When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "So, let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven!"
Laughter is brightest where food is best - Irish Proverb
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby ShotleyGirl » August 3rd, 2015, 2:00 pm

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

Scouser went to court accused of shagging a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!.

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"

My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.

I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in strangeways.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell!
Laughter is brightest where food is best - Irish Proverb
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » August 3rd, 2015, 7:09 pm

hickybank wrote:These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2!!..


OMG PMSL!!!!!!!!

:lol:
Grasshopper
Spring ventures forth to plant the grain
And Summer dries the straw
Autumn gathers in the harvest
And Winter shuts the door

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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » August 4th, 2015, 8:50 am

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammer’s Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said: "If any of you can tell me where you were born,
without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache
and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out: "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

“That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5, clenched both fists at his sides and
eventually blurted out:. . . . . “London ".

“Absolutely Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally hot and steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:

...

...


..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » August 4th, 2015, 11:17 am

Q. How many computer nerds does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 10
01 to hold the ladder and 01 to change the bulb.
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby scullion » August 4th, 2015, 4:38 pm

dennispc wrote:Q. How many computer nerds does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 10
01 to hold the ladder and 01 to change the bulb.


hahahaha!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » August 4th, 2015, 7:04 pm

I remember doing binary numbers at school ;)

:bounce:
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Spring ventures forth to plant the grain
And Summer dries the straw
Autumn gathers in the harvest
And Winter shuts the door

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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » August 7th, 2015, 3:56 pm

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » August 27th, 2015, 5:28 pm

Decided to post this here as it happened to me today and more than made up for my current sombre mood......... In Morrisons looking at the reduced dry goods section where the bottom shelf was predominantly bottles of mulled wine. A twenty something woman and her 40 something mother wandered by. Daughter exclaimed, 'oh look Mum, there is some of that mulled wine you get at Christmas'. Only she pronounced it muled (as in donkey) !!!!!! :lol: :lol: . I apologised for my outburst of laughter, her mother was crying tears of laughter. She was unaware of her faux pas but her mother explained her mistake and we all laughed together. Maybe you had to be there....... ;) :)
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby karadekoolaid » September 10th, 2015, 2:31 am

A friend in OZ sent me this:

A young woman was walking along the High St with one of her breasts hanging out.
A policeman noticed and immediately ran over to her.
"MADAM! ", he said, " your breast is hanging out! Do you know I could arrest you for indecent exposure??"
" Oh sh*t!", the woman exclaimed, " I`ve left the baby on the bus..."

And another one - really agonising, this one:

Mahatma Ghandi, as we all know,was a man of extraordinary vision. Most of his life, he walked around with no shoes on, so his feet were covered in callouses. Given that he was vegetarian AND an ascetic,he ate just enough to support his lifestyle. Much of the food, however, was not of good quality, so he suffered from bad breath.

And here it is,folks - what have we got here?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A SUPER CALLOUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC HEXED BY HALITOSIS

(s´alright, I was just leaving.... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: )
" Bite off more than you can chew, then chew like Hell!"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » September 10th, 2015, 6:53 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Great start to the day
Terry
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » October 25th, 2015, 8:40 am

A man boarded a plane with six kids

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked

"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,

"No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » November 6th, 2015, 11:20 am

Pedro worked in a fine Goan pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the mango slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Tecla, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Pedro tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the mango slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Tecla gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the mango slicer?"

Pedro replied, "She got fired, too."
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » November 6th, 2015, 12:06 pm

Great jokes Kool and Hicks, my mascara is now running down my cheeks :lol: :lol: :lol:
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