THE DAILY YOKE

Order yourself a latte, and a pastry (The virtual cinnamon buns are excellent today). And have a nice chat.

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » July 1st, 2016, 3:16 pm

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map-reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby scullion » July 1st, 2016, 5:20 pm

and they'd probably be right - the middle of a desert in saudi!
there's a restaurant in falmouth called five degrees west - a much better option.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » July 1st, 2016, 5:29 pm

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“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
― Virginia Woolf
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby scullion » July 1st, 2016, 5:38 pm

hahahahahahahaha he's just had ten from me.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sian » July 1st, 2016, 6:01 pm

Thanks suffs -I needed a laugh & slapping him hard 10 times made me smile! Xxxooxx
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » July 1st, 2016, 6:39 pm

It is very therapeutic isn't it :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » July 2nd, 2016, 10:10 am

Strangely satisfying....... Didn't stop at ten. 8-)
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » July 2nd, 2016, 10:29 am

Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of 1966 would have done against Iceland.

He thought for a bit, and replied that England would have won one nil.

"Is that all?" was the response.

"Well - we are all in our seventies now".
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sian » July 2nd, 2016, 10:41 am

Thanks Gruney! xxooxx
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » July 2nd, 2016, 11:15 am

Love it Gruney :tu: and without Bobby Moore as well.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » July 2nd, 2016, 11:58 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :tu:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » July 3rd, 2016, 7:45 pm

Luca wrote:Strangely satisfying....... Didn't stop at ten. 8-)


Me neither! :twisted: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Might have another go, just for good measure! :lol:

:bounce:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Chinchilla_lady » July 4th, 2016, 4:23 pm

I enjoyed that :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Where is the one for throwing rotten fruit at BoJo?
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » July 4th, 2016, 7:44 pm

Chinchilla_lady wrote:I enjoyed that :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Where is the one for throwing rotten fruit at BoJo?


Now, that WOULD be fun! :lol:

I can't quite catch what he's saying when he gets whacked, apart from 'ooh', 'ow', and 'good lord, that was painful!'.
What else does he say?
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby scullion » July 4th, 2016, 11:30 pm

i think it's something like 'oh my rubbery face', 'that was uncalled for', - hang on, i'll go and give him a few more.

- and 'good lord that was painful'.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » July 6th, 2016, 2:06 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » July 6th, 2016, 2:57 pm

Have just given him another 100!

GREAT fun!
:lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » July 18th, 2016, 5:44 pm

Chap returns home, full of enthusiasm and happiness.

Says to his wife - " I've finally done the right thing - you'll be really pleased. I've just made my will - and I''m leaving it all to you."

Wife responds - "You always do, you lazy bu@@er."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » July 18th, 2016, 5:49 pm

:lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » August 3rd, 2016, 11:09 am

A mother was preparing pancakes for her boys, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
She said to them, “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » August 3rd, 2016, 1:34 pm

:D :D
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » August 6th, 2016, 8:51 am

A little boy attended his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly and asked, “How do you know that?”
“Easy,” said the boy, “Do the math, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » August 7th, 2016, 9:44 am

:lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » August 8th, 2016, 8:06 am

An old geezer becomes bored in retirement…
…and decides to open a medical clinic. He puts up a sign outside that says: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”
Harold, positive that this old geezer doesn’t know beans about medicine, thinks this would be a great opportunity to make easy $1,000.
So he goes to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Harold: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Mr. Harold’s mouth.”
Harold: “Aaagh! This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Harold gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days in the hope to recover his money.
Harold: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Harold: “Oh, no you don’t, that is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Harold (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several days.
Harold: “My eyesight has become weak, I can hardly see anything!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have a medicine for that so, here’s your $1000 back,” and gives him a $10 bill.
Harold: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » August 8th, 2016, 8:13 am

You have made my day Dennis :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » August 9th, 2016, 4:08 pm

Hymie Goldberg is complaining to his friend Moishe, “My wife is always asking for money, money, money….” he moans.
“Last week she wanted two hundred dollars. The day before yesterday she asked me for one hundred and fifty. And this morning she wanted one hundred dollars.”
“That’s crazy!” says Moishe. “What does she do with all that money?”
“I don’t know,” replies Hymie. “I never give her any.”
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » August 16th, 2016, 11:25 am

Albert walks into a bar and sees his friend Norman at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching Norman, he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” Norman said, “and left me $125,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” replied Albert.
“Then in September,” Norman continued, “my father died, leaving me $900,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“Then last month, my aunt died and left me $150,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued Norman, “absolutely nothing!”
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » August 16th, 2016, 2:17 pm

The Pope dies, and goes to Heaven.
St Peter asks him how he'd like to spend his time there.
The pope says he'd like thoroughly to research the origins of Roman Catholicism.
St Peter says that will be fine; he'd show him around heaven's library, and pop in from time to time to see how he was getting on.
First day - the Pope is looking puzzled.
Second day - he's pacing the floor, looking very agitated.
Third day - he's wailing, and banging his head on the desk.
St Peter asks what's the matter.

"There's been a tragic mistake! It's terrible! A spelling mistake!

It should have been celebrate!"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » August 16th, 2016, 5:44 pm

:lol: Love it Gruney. Thank you. My grandmother, who was a staunch Catholic, albeit with certain views on celibacy, would have loved that joke!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » August 23rd, 2016, 7:59 am

Voted best joke st this year's fringe - "My dad suggested I get an organ donor card. He's a man after my own heart".

Really tickled me.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby icelesley » August 23rd, 2016, 10:32 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Image ImageImage
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » September 5th, 2016, 3:20 pm

Holmes and Watson are lying on the ground, looking up at the stars.

Holmes says to Watson "what does that marvellous sky tell you, Watson?"

Watson replies - " Well Holmes, it tells me that:-

Astronomically - we're just a small dot in an enormous picture, and

Astrologically - Saturn is in Virgo, and

Theologically - God's work is everywhere, and

Meteorologically - tomorrow is going to be a lovely day. What does it say to you, Holmes?"

Well watson - what it says to me is some thieving bxxxer has stolen the tent"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Woodsmoke » September 6th, 2016, 8:35 am

A plumber dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, he's piped through the gates and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Plumber".
Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty, tells him,
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 185 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The Plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."
"That's impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets................"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » September 6th, 2016, 11:34 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :tu:

Hope you've got lots more like that Woodsmoke 8-)
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Woodsmoke » September 13th, 2016, 3:33 pm

Dear Deidre,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them.'
I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha R1, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Do you think this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » September 14th, 2016, 7:49 am

Chuckling here :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » October 13th, 2016, 7:39 pm

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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » October 15th, 2016, 3:56 pm

:lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » October 25th, 2016, 4:20 pm

Two old men are sitting in their wheel chairs at the care home, walking sticks within handy reach, no-one is talking to anyone. One turns to his mate and says, "Fred, just to think, if we'd had a full English every morning, smoked, drank beer,whisky, steak and chips most days and chased loose women, we'd have missed all this."
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » February 11th, 2017, 12:56 pm

A Matter of Time

A man died and went to Heaven and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates,
where he noticed huge wall covered entirely in clocks.

“What are the clocks for?” he asked.

“They are ‘lie clocks’,” replied St Peter. “Everyone has a lie
clock. When you tell a lie, the hands move.”

“Whose clock is that?” asked the man pointing to one.

“That’s Mother Theresa’s clock. The hands haven’t moved, which means
she hasn’t told a lie.” St Peter said.

“And that one?” asked the man, pointing to another.

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s – the hand only moved twice, so he only
told two lies in his life.”

The man asked: “Where is Donald Trump’s clock?”

St Peter replied: “We’re using it as a ceiling fan at the moment.”
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby suffolk » February 11th, 2017, 3:04 pm

:lol: :rolleyes: :cry: :twisted:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » February 11th, 2017, 3:32 pm

You couldn't make it up.

Donald is President, Micky Pence is Vice President; Micky and Donald running America - not even Disney came up with that one. :D
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » February 13th, 2017, 10:10 pm

During a lull between the speeches at a dinner celebrating Donald Trump’s success, his wife Melania leans over to chat with Sarah Palin.

She said, " I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. The bird is really smart. Donald has already taught him to say more than 200 words!"
"Wow, that's impressive," says Sarah, "but you do realise that he just speaks the words, he doesn't really know what they are or understand what they mean."
"Yeah, I know," says Melania, "neither does the parrot."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rainbow » February 13th, 2017, 10:18 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » February 24th, 2017, 12:43 pm

WARNING! This post contains scenes of a blushing nature which some viewers may find disturbing!





After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by his caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?
He replied, “I found the remote.”
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » February 24th, 2017, 1:40 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » February 24th, 2017, 2:10 pm

Two priests are chatting and decided to go abroad on holiday.

They go to Spain. The first thing they did was get some summer clothes and then hit the beach. They have been sitting in their deckchairs for about an hour when a stunning topless blonde strolls along. Even though they are men of the cloth they cant help but stare at such a beautiful woman. As she passes she looks over and says, "Hello father, Hello father".

The priests are shocked by this. They look at each other and question how she knew they were priests. One said to the other, "Maybe we're not in casual enough clothes."

So on the way back to the hotel they get some crazy summer shorts and shirts. The next day on the beach the same gorgeous topless blonde comes along and again says, "Morning father, Morning father." At this point one of the priests gets up, catches up to the woman and says, "Excuse me my dear, how did you know we were both priests?"

She looks at him surprised and says...

"Father it's me, Sister Monica". Nuns go on holiday too!!" :D
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » February 24th, 2017, 4:41 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » March 23rd, 2017, 7:12 pm

It's a bxxger getting old.

Last week, I went to a lap dancing club.

The dancer came over to me, and whispered in my ear - "I can offer you super sex".

I said - "Oh lovely - I'll go for the soup, please."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 3rd, 2017, 11:25 am

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