THE DAILY YOKE

Order yourself a latte, and a pastry (The virtual cinnamon buns are excellent today). And have a nice chat.

THE DAILY YOKE

Postby jamesandkatherina » April 29th, 2010, 2:42 pm

The other day Rosie suggested a joke thread

well I have spoken to Admin a 5 star General Dogsbody and have the OK :lol:

So here we go

Why ....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, anddishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

J&K
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I'm not an alcoholic, .......... alcoholics go to meetings, I go to the pub.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rosie » April 29th, 2010, 2:57 pm

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby ianinfrance » April 29th, 2010, 3:16 pm

Rosie wrote:This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

LOVE it.
--
All the best
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The Earth is degenerating today. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer obey their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sian » April 29th, 2010, 4:07 pm

Afternoon :hug:

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a 'Marriage' seminar, Ken and his wife Mary listened to the instructor declare

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other"

He then addressed the men " Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"


Ken leant over, touched Marys' arm gently, and whisprd softly


" Homepride Self Raising, isn't it?"

And thus began Ken's life of celibacy..........

:lol:
Well behaved women rarely make history.....
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby jamesandkatherina » April 29th, 2010, 4:20 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby sueturnersmith » April 29th, 2010, 4:44 pm

This is a copy of the topical joke I put on chatterbox the other day, in case anyone missed it:

THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a
high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do
with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I
don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we
ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable.


What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were
campaigning.. ...


Today you voted.
I'm as old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Oldends » April 29th, 2010, 5:17 pm

Man goes to the surgery where he says "Doc, I appear to have a lettuce growing out of my backside."

"Don't worry," says the doctor, "it's only the tip of the iceberg." :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Annie » April 29th, 2010, 5:37 pm

2 cows in a field, one says moo and the other replies bahhh.
The first cow asks 'what are you doing?'
the 2nd cow said 'learning a foreign language!'




the oldens are the best :D
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rosie » April 29th, 2010, 6:18 pm

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Oldends » April 29th, 2010, 6:19 pm

It was very late when the pub closed and, despite the dark, Billy made his way home across the fields. As he did so he trod on a man's backside and a girl's voice said 'Thank you'. :lol:

That's from the repertoire of the late Billy Burden, a comedian from Dorset, whom I saw and briefly met around 1954. It stands the test of time and I still use it from time to time. At the same time I also saw and met Harry Worth, then doing a ventriloquial act, well attempting to do it would be a better description.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby BooCooTwo » April 29th, 2010, 8:53 pm

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'


She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'



The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women can be clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us..
I carried a Watermelon....
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rosie » April 29th, 2010, 9:14 pm

Not another Blonde joke.

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

"What are you doing." they ask her.

So she replies "Hanging myself."

The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging yourself, you put the rope around your neck."

The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby nursemimi » April 29th, 2010, 9:47 pm

Sorry have to tell another blond joke
A red head is jumping up and down on a manhole cover saying 29, 29, 29, a blond comes by and asks her what she is doing. Redhead says it a new form of exercise that works great blond asks may I try it redhead says sure blond gets on the manhole cover and starts jumping up and down saying 29, 29 redhead reaches down pulls manhole cover aside blond goes down the manhole red head replaces cover starts jumping on it saying 30, 30.

:bounce:

Mimi
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby cyprusmoira » April 30th, 2010, 5:22 am

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the perfect shoes in the first shop, a beautiful dress on sale in the second, and in the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent!

Then her cell phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning and finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.

The doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn’t you!? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life, he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, “I’m just joking with you. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.”


__._,_.___
When life gives you lemons, make sorbet
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rosie » April 30th, 2010, 8:11 am

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close by man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hideous. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby denada » April 30th, 2010, 8:26 am

The Tiny Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.?

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think?
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sian » April 30th, 2010, 9:40 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Well behaved women rarely make history.....
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby karadekoolaid » April 30th, 2010, 2:29 pm

A duck walks into a bar .
"Got any nuts?", he quacks to the barman.
" No we haven't," said the barman, "and we don't serve ducks in here. Push off!"
So the duck left.
The following day, the duck walked into the same bar.
" Got any nuts?" he quacked.
The barman frowned at the duck, leaned menacingly over the bar and said:
"No, I haven't got any nuts. I thought I told you yesterday to push off. Now PUSH OFF or I'll nail your beak to the bar!!"
The duck waddled out.
The following morning, the duck walked into the bar again.
"Got any nails, mate?"
"NO!" shouted the barman.
"Gimme some nuts, then..."
" Bite off more than you can chew, then chew like Hell!"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby jamesandkatherina » April 30th, 2010, 3:21 pm

A good catholic lady gets married and has 9 children, her husband dies

She remarries and has a further 7 children her new husband also dies

She remarries for a second time has 3 further children her latest husband also dies and 3 months later she follows him

at the funeral mass the priest says at last they will be together

well one old lady turned to another and said what does he mean she had 3 husbands the second old dear replied

"He means her legs dear"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby tezza » April 30th, 2010, 4:01 pm

Okay, not strictly a joke but something me and my mate have been giggling over for a while.

We were in the swimming pool the other evening and after a few lengths she told me she felt she had a cold coming on. Later on in the sauna, accompanied by several other members, she mumbled to me 'Well, if this doesn't get rid of the germs I don't know what will'. The look on the other sauna user's faces was a picture!

So here are some other room/sauna/restaurant clearing sentences that we have thought up that you might fancy chuckling at:

‘No, I never wash my hands after I’ve been to the toilet either’. (Good to use if you are serving or prepping food and a customer/guest overhears)

‘The doctor said it could be contagious but I’ll just have to wait until the results come back’. (Universal, works well in all situations)

‘I am so angry about it I feel like smashing the nearest person’s face in’. (Said with clenched fists can be quite scary and a real room emptier)

‘I found out through studying my family tree that I am related to Peter Sutcliffe aka the Yorkshire Ripper’. (Accompany this one with a demonic look in your eyes for best results)

‘I wish I could get rid of all these verrucas on my feet’. (Especially good to use this one when bare foot by the pool or in the sauna)

‘Oh no, I’ve just realised I didn’t put an incontinent pad on this morning’. (Add a look of discomfort and clutch bottom at same time then watch everyone run away)

‘Was that a rat I just saw running behind that table?’ (Useful when you can’t find an empty table in a restaurant)

‘I spotted a few of them hopping around in other half’s hair when we were in bed last night’. (You may not clear a hair salon with this one but you can guarantee being kicked out of one)

‘The last time I ate here I found a massive dead cockroach in my salad’. (A good one to use if you have got it in for the chef)

:lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby nursemimi » May 1st, 2010, 2:51 pm

A truck driver and the pope die and come to Saint Peter at the same time. Saint Peter tells them to come on in they have been waiting on them. Saint Peter tells the two that them to come with him and he will show them there rooms. They go to the pope's room fist, it is a 10' by 12' room, white washed walls, a small bed, a small window and a picture of Jesus on the wall. Saint Peter looks at the pope and ask him if this will do. The pope reply's that it is just fine. Then Saint Peter tells the two to come along and they will see the truck drivers room. They get to the truck drivers room and it is the most betiful penthouse apparment ether men have ever seen. The pope looks at Saint Peter and ask, I don't understand, I spent my whole life dedicated to god and I get this little room. While this truck driver gets the penthouse. Saint Peter tells the pope, look we have had a lot of pope's up here, but this is the very first truck driver to ever make it. :twisted: :lol:

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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » May 1st, 2010, 3:05 pm

The Pope dies, and goes to heaven, where he is met by St Peter.
St Peter asks him how he would like to spend his time in heaven.
The Pope says he'd like to spend some time researching the origins of Roman Catholicism.
"No Problem" says St Peter, and takes him to the library. He resolves to look in each day to see all's well.
The first day, the pope's looking really troubled.
The second day, he's pacing around the room, in an agitated state.
The third day, he's wailing, and banging his head against the wall.
St Peter enters, and asks whatever is the matter.
"It's terrible", the Pope says - "there was a spelling mistake!"
"Well what does that matter?' says St Peter.
The Pope says "it should have said celebrate".
Last edited by Gruney on May 1st, 2010, 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rosie » May 1st, 2010, 5:39 pm

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and and blows it back up again."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby nursemimi » May 2nd, 2010, 1:25 pm

How are truck drivers and puppies diffrent? After a while the puppy will quit whinning. :lol:

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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby chools » May 2nd, 2010, 5:20 pm

Q: Who makes the best ice cream in Palestine?

A: Walls, of Jericho
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby denada » May 3rd, 2010, 3:44 am

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old @rse?'

'Your name never came up" she said
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rosie » May 3rd, 2010, 7:26 am

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sian » May 3rd, 2010, 8:44 am

A couple for the 'girls'



A man and wife, now in their 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and says that they had been so good that each could have one wish.
The wife wished for a world trip with her husband
Whoosh! Immediately she had air/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.....
Whoosh!...immediately he turned 90!!!Gotta love that fairy!


A couple are lying in bed.The man says,"I'm going to make you the happiest woman alive"
The woman replies, "I'll miss you......"

Q:What do you call an inteligent, good looking, sensitive man?


A:A rumor


:lol: :lol: :lol:
Well behaved women rarely make history.....
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby 4dogsagain » May 3rd, 2010, 1:35 pm

Story as told by a man standing in a queue in Tescos

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco, and was standing in the queue at the till, waiting to pay. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse , I told her no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because the last time I had ended up in hospital, but I had lost 50lbs before I awakened in an Intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it worked is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified she asked if I'd ended up in hospital because I had been poisoned. I told her, no, it was because I had been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me!

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so much, as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..................Why else would I buy dog food ?
Don't stop doing things because you are growing old; you only grow old if you stop doing things.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby 4dogsagain » May 3rd, 2010, 1:36 pm

Peeing in the Bushes

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a £10 note flies out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her "Madam, there are £10 notes falling out of that bag......."

"Damn" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning".

"Well, not so fast," said the policemen "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh no" said the little old lady "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingy through the bushes, I yell £10 or off it comes!"

"Not a bad idea" laughs the policeman "Good Luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well" said the little old lady "Not all of them pay"................
Don't stop doing things because you are growing old; you only grow old if you stop doing things.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby 4dogsagain » May 3rd, 2010, 1:37 pm

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which I admit, has been in place for only thirty-eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year? You’re Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
(DOESN’T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)
Don't stop doing things because you are growing old; you only grow old if you stop doing things.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Oldends » May 3rd, 2010, 4:03 pm

Having just sown some sweetcorn, here are a couple more samples of corn…

A man is visiting a monastery where, wandering around, he came upon the kitchen where one of the brothers was toiling over a hot pan of oil. “And I suppose you’re the friar,” says he. “No,” said the brother. “I’m the chipmunk!” :lol:

A man bought a hamster, but a few days later it died. He asked his mate what to do with it and he suggested making into jam. So the defunct hamster was boiled up with some sugar and put into a jar. A day or so later, he tasted the jam. It was vile, so vile that he took the jar and threw it out into the garden. The next spring some beautiful daffodils grew from the spot where the jam had landed. All of which is rather odd as you usually get tulips from hamster jam! :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sian » May 3rd, 2010, 4:45 pm

In response to the last 'jokes' from Oldends =

may I request a "DOH"!! smiley please Riocaz :!: :!: :?: :?: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby jamesandkatherina » May 3rd, 2010, 5:08 pm

:club: was wot we suggested :lol: :lol: :lol:

J&K
ImageImage

I'm not an alcoholic, .......... alcoholics go to meetings, I go to the pub.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rosie » May 3rd, 2010, 5:42 pm

merchlleyn wrote: may I request a "DOH"!! smiley please Riocaz

You could always borrow one of these:

Image
Image
Image

but then some people don't like lotsa emoticons. Image
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sian » May 3rd, 2010, 6:42 pm

Hi Rosie - where do I get them???


:hug: :hug: :hug:


And a few more for Pereg - :hug: :hug: :hug: !
Well behaved women rarely make history.....
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Rosie » May 3rd, 2010, 7:12 pm

merchlleyn wrote:Hi Rosie - where do I get them???

Just google "smilies" and choose whichever you fancy! Image but don't forget that some people don't like too many.
And a few more for Pereg - :hug: :hug: :hug: !

Pereg says woof woof and Image
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sian » May 3rd, 2010, 7:13 pm

Diolch yn fawr xx :D
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Annie » May 3rd, 2010, 7:32 pm

this is a good site for smileys http://bestsmileys.com/pageindex.htm :)
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sloe-Gin » May 4th, 2010, 6:15 pm

Church magazine bloopers!
--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -- prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Eat, drink and be merry
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Annie » May 4th, 2010, 6:26 pm

some of those are pure classics :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby jamesandkatherina » May 4th, 2010, 6:44 pm

> How true this is
>
>
>
> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
> walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
>
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
> and I'll give you back the other ten?'
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
> you
> a twenty-year life span.'
>
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
> time
> to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
>
> And God agreed.
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
> the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
> this, I will give you a life span of sixty years..'
>
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
> years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created man and said:
>
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
> twenty years.'
>
> But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
> the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
> the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
> ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
> family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
> grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
> bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.
>
> There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
> as a public service.
ImageImage

I'm not an alcoholic, .......... alcoholics go to meetings, I go to the pub.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby denada » May 5th, 2010, 5:08 am

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Dubbo. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,
but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose
whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked
like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher
got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to
say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show
the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some
chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a
way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
>
>
>
>
>
> (Please scroll down.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> What were you
> thinking?
>
> Her husband speaks English!
>
> Now get back to browsing the website>
>
>
> I worry about you sometimes!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby denada » May 5th, 2010, 5:25 am

Just been sent this and as It's UK Elections tomorrow I thought I'd share.

POLITICIANS...THEY'RE ALL THE SAME EXCEPT DIFFERENT
I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Australia some day. Both of her parents, Labor supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labor Party!" "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.

I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Oldends » May 5th, 2010, 8:03 am

Awoke this morning to find the car covered with frozen chips, peas and sweetcorn. Yup, it's fallout from Iceland!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sloe-Gin » May 5th, 2010, 8:26 am

Love 'em!!
BTW, how can I post a piccie in the body of the post, please? I have some that might amuse, but they're on my pc and don't seem to copy accross...
Eat, drink and be merry
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby sueturnersmith » May 5th, 2010, 9:58 am

Sloe-Gin your church jokes have had me laughing for the last 10 minutes - brilliant :lol:
Last edited by sueturnersmith on May 5th, 2010, 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm as old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Annie » May 5th, 2010, 12:17 pm

definitely ned t crack the photograph thingy.

Image
Image
Image

I think I've managed it so lets see there should be three photographs
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Sloe-Gin » May 5th, 2010, 12:25 pm

Love it!
Well, I've tried copy and paste and get nothing... what am I doing wrong, Annie?
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Annie » May 5th, 2010, 12:35 pm

I'm awful at explaining thing but here goes :

on the reply box there are buttons at the top I used the 'Img' one and then drag and dropped the photos in between the two [Img] boxes. Copy and paste didn't work but dragging from a picasa web album did.

here's another Image
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