THE DAILY YOKE

Order yourself a latte, and a pastry (The virtual cinnamon buns are excellent today). And have a nice chat.

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » November 6th, 2015, 12:06 pm

A boy asks his granny…
”Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?”
Granny replies, “F@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?”

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: “I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment!”
He replies, “Your eyesight is perfect.”

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, “Your sense of humour!”

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, “I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » November 6th, 2015, 12:08 pm

Oh Dennis, classic ! :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » November 7th, 2015, 2:46 pm

I've a feeling this has been posted before, but couldn't find it. In one sense it's not a joke.

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking corrupt politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in.” says the politician.
“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the politician.
“I’m sorry but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.”
So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers, “Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us.”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » November 15th, 2015, 2:27 pm

RE-RUN OF THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR 2015

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy.

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.
We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job
getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.
Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.
There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like
hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our
European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we
shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who
speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety.
Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And
there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................................
kiss me, Hardy
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » November 24th, 2015, 9:48 am

Today's riddle for seniors.... Here is the situation:



You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?




V

V









Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you silly old fart!
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » November 24th, 2015, 9:08 pm

Hicky!!!!!!! :o

:lol:
Grasshopper
Spring ventures forth to plant the grain
And Summer dries the straw
Autumn gathers in the harvest
And Winter shuts the door

Image
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » December 1st, 2015, 12:09 pm

To all overworked females!











Subject: Sharing the household chores





The following article is reprinted from the ‘Letters to the Editor’ page in the local paper.



It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, be patient and try not to shout at them. Some women are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman!

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the household chore situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job to bring in the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working again, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. Nowadays, I usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts preparing dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets the dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub every day so eating out again at night is out of the question. I'm really ready for some home cooked food when I get home!

Julie used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner, so I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves! I know she really appreciates these reminders, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of her ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouraging words. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days so that way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her and will certainly help with her dieting. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, Julie seems to think she needs to take rest periods. For instance, she has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and also several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, the vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man, after all. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while and rest, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably seem like a Saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying though that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult and some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you start to use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are all put on this earth to help each other, weren’t we?
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby ShotleyGirl » December 1st, 2015, 2:37 pm

:spank: :spank:
Laughter is brightest where food is best - Irish Proverb
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » December 1st, 2015, 2:52 pm

Take it I am off your Christmas card list then :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby ShotleyGirl » December 1st, 2015, 3:12 pm

Yes :lol: :lol: :lol:
Laughter is brightest where food is best - Irish Proverb
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby cyprusmoira » December 5th, 2015, 11:24 am

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
When life gives you lemons, make sorbet
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby BooCooTwo » December 5th, 2015, 11:31 am

:lol: :lol: That's brilliant!
I carried a Watermelon....
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » December 5th, 2015, 12:31 pm

Dosn't it just, tugs at the old heart strings dosn't it.

Scouse vasectomy


After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me. '

Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2,
3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of
Bradford, Gravesend and anywhere in Wales .
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » December 6th, 2015, 8:29 am

Just loved those last two.. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » December 15th, 2015, 4:58 pm

NURSERY RHYMES UPDATED FOR THE 21st CENTURY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won ten grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring
Of course...it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
Now he can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry..
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » December 15th, 2015, 5:19 pm

Much better than the origionals
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » December 16th, 2015, 12:32 pm

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“What? You’re coming empty-handed?”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby ShotleyGirl » December 18th, 2015, 1:57 pm

GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SAW

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older --

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

And remember.....

"Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person . . . Wondering What The Hell Happened ?!"
Laughter is brightest where food is best - Irish Proverb
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » December 20th, 2015, 7:41 pm

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat”, agreed to look
after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbour was on holiday. She
had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling
and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked
together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs
mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next,
and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the
phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back
and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and
he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » February 2nd, 2016, 12:37 pm

Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » February 9th, 2016, 5:02 pm

An old gentleman lived alone.

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work,
as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were
here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you,

Vinnie

WHAT A SON !
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » February 10th, 2016, 8:16 am

Nice one Hicks :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » February 12th, 2016, 8:33 am

A visual joke for you
"Paper is not dead"

https://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » February 12th, 2016, 8:45 am

hickybank wrote:A visual joke for you
"Paper is not dead"

https://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0


:lol: :lol: :lol:
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » February 12th, 2016, 9:44 am

Love it, love it, LOVE IT !!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » February 16th, 2016, 8:41 pm

I found some cartoons today. By "Pont" a Punch cartoonist who sadly died of TB at the age of 32 in 1940.

One was specially for the foodies. A complex recipe for you all to ponder and try at your leisure.

Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 20.27.36.png
Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 20.27.36.png (78.87 KiB) Viewed 2238 times
http://www.saabtechtalk.com/
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby StokeySue » February 18th, 2016, 1:03 pm

What astonishes me about that aero is the electric kettle - in fact to my eyes the lady looks quite post war, which obviously she isn't

Another foodie one
Image
Sue
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » February 18th, 2016, 3:44 pm

A womans message of complaint to technical support
Dear technical support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the Flower & Jewellery applications which operated flawlessly in Boyfriend one.
In addition Husband one uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as Sky sport 5.0, Match of the day3.0 & Golf clubs 4.1
Conversation no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note I have tried running, Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail.
What should I do
Signed
Desparate
Dear Desparate.
First keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter the command “ I thought you loved me.html. download Tears 6.2 & be sure to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5
However please remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 and Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta
We hope this is sorts the problem out for you, however if the above installations fail I suggest you uninstall Husband 1.0 & reinstall Boyfriend 5.0
Regards
Technical Support
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » February 18th, 2016, 6:43 pm

Very Clever !!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » February 23rd, 2016, 12:56 pm

:Woman saves herself from a 12 foot alligator with a .25 caliber pistol.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jet fire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:



"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Village with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jet fire .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took...."



"The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible."
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby tezza » February 24th, 2016, 6:11 am

My sides hurt!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » February 27th, 2016, 11:31 am

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
To spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
Of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
Toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
Prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
Night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
Surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
There twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
The ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
Asleep"
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby gattodisonno » February 28th, 2016, 4:01 pm

Wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning:
"WINDOWS FROZEN, WONT OPEN"

Husband texts back:
"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER"

Wife texts back five minutes later:
"LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby karadekoolaid » March 11th, 2016, 11:45 am

There`s a bloke sitting in his favourite chair watching the football. His wife comes up behind him and whacks him round the ear with a long-handled, stainless steel frying pan.
"OUCH!!", he shouts, "What was that for?"
" WHAT WAS THAT FOR? I JUST CHECKED THE CREDIT CARD BILL AND THERE`S £1,000 HERE FOR ROSE MARY!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT????"
" Oh dear, I forgot to tell you; it´s not what you think! You see, I was at the races with a friend and I bet the £1,000 on a filly called Rose Mary. That`s all; it was the filly."
About a week later, the same bloke`s watching his favourite soap and his wife comes up behind him and cracks him on the head with the Le Creuset Casserole.
" OUCH! What was that for??"
" ANSWER THE PHONE. IT´S THE FILLY CALLING!" :D :D
" Bite off more than you can chew, then chew like Hell!"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 2nd, 2016, 11:34 am

Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter lunch at his grandmother’s house in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Arizona.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started stuffing himself straight away.
“Ernie, wait until we say grace,” demanded his father.
“I don’t have to,” the five year-old replied, his mouth full.
“Of course you do, Ernest,” his mother insisted rather forcefully. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Ernie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook.”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 3rd, 2016, 11:46 am

Marty, a little boy, was in church one Easter Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick.
‘Mummy,’ he whispered, ‘can we leave now?’
‘No,’ his mother hushed, ‘the service isn’t over yet.’
‘Well, I think I’m about to throw up!’ Marty announced looking sickly.
‘Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,’ hissed Doris.
After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew.
‘Did you throw up?’ Marty’s mother murmured.
‘Yes,’ Marty answered, embarrassed.
‘How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?’ Doris demanded.
‘I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, “For the Sick”.

Also, not a joke as such but this image should make you smile. A friend of mine, travelling in India, sent it as an example of Indian politeness.

image1.JPG
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 4th, 2016, 6:26 pm

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
"Now that we've got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby MrsWWoof » April 4th, 2016, 9:19 pm

Good one dennis :-)
Hold on . . . until you find your smile again.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » April 5th, 2016, 7:57 am

An elderly couple - it's bedtime.

Husband - "you go up - I'll just flick through the tv channels, then follow you up".

She goes to bed.

Five minutes later, he follows her up - but just as he reaches the top, he stumbles, and falls all the way down the stairs. He is unhurt, but a bit disappointed his wife hadn't come to see if he was ok.

He goes up again, enters the bedroom, and tells her how disappointed he is.

She replies "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't realise. I thought it was the finish of East Enders."
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby scullion » April 5th, 2016, 8:02 am

good one.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 5th, 2016, 8:24 am

scullion wrote:good one.


Yep :tu:
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 7th, 2016, 12:42 pm

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll probably catch the 4:11 one.”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » April 7th, 2016, 12:50 pm

Very good :tu:

A farmer reaches the final of a spelling competion.

He comes second.

He complains to the referee.

"Who ever heard of it spelled auspice?"
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 12th, 2016, 9:38 pm

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain .....

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Regrettably, sometimes the bull wins..'
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » May 2nd, 2016, 1:15 pm

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
He blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man knit his brow. “Well, now,” he said, “my thoughts are a bit more serious this time.”
“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad. “Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me that first penny?”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Shrimp » May 2nd, 2016, 2:55 pm

:D :D :D
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Shrimp » May 2nd, 2016, 3:01 pm

One morning a newly wed girl lays in her hubby's arms, looks loving at him and asks him what he is thinking about :hug:

He replies, bacon, eggs, beans, tomatoes, mushrooms & fried bread :o

I still have him after 35 years :lol:
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » May 2nd, 2016, 3:55 pm

Ah, that's lovely :D
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby earthmaiden » May 21st, 2016, 8:50 pm

An oldie but still funny ....

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f*****g fault!!!
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Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » May 22nd, 2016, 12:33 pm

:D
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