THE DAILY YOKE

Order yourself a latte, and a pastry (The virtual cinnamon buns are excellent today). And have a nice chat.

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » April 9th, 2017, 6:48 pm

Gruney wrote:It's a bxxger getting old.

Last week, I went to a lap dancing club.

The dancer came over to me, and whispered in my ear - "I can offer you super sex".

I said - "Oh lovely - I'll go for the soup, please."


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Grasshopper
Spring ventures forth to plant the grain
And Summer dries the straw
Autumn gathers in the harvest
And Winter shuts the door

Image
User avatar
Grasshopper
Registered
 
Posts: 6055
Joined: May 18th, 2010, 8:03 pm
Location: Yorkshire of The White Rose

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 16th, 2017, 11:30 am

The Easter Bunny went into a cafe, ordered a cheese toastie, a ham toastie and a tuna toastie.

Ate the lot and dropped dead.

In heaven she was asked what killed her, she replied

“mixin'ma toasties.”
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
User avatar
dennispc
Registered
 
Posts: 1622
Joined: September 8th, 2010, 6:28 pm

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 16th, 2017, 11:40 am

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise it was an Apple,

but with extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
User avatar
dennispc
Registered
 
Posts: 1622
Joined: September 8th, 2010, 6:28 pm

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » April 16th, 2017, 12:54 pm

Dennis ! :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
Zosherooney
Registered
 
Posts: 9039
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 3:04 pm

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » April 19th, 2017, 8:15 am

Zosherooney wrote:Dennis ! :lol: :lol: :lol:


Why thank you Zosherooney, the first one came from OH's FB page - family only - and someone replied

'That's a rare bit of humour'

Someone else added, 'No no no, the Easter Bunny can't die on Easter Day.'
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
User avatar
dennispc
Registered
 
Posts: 1622
Joined: September 8th, 2010, 6:28 pm

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » April 19th, 2017, 10:03 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: I missed the first one........Hilarious......... :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
Zosherooney
Registered
 
Posts: 9039
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 3:04 pm

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » May 12th, 2017, 6:25 pm

Brace yourselves.

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
User avatar
dennispc
Registered
 
Posts: 1622
Joined: September 8th, 2010, 6:28 pm

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Zosherooney » May 12th, 2017, 7:50 pm

Oh heck Dennis.....
User avatar
Zosherooney
Registered
 
Posts: 9039
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 3:04 pm

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby cooksalot » May 13th, 2017, 11:22 am

dennispc wrote:Brace yourselves.

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

That one is a classic!
User avatar
cooksalot
Registered
 
Posts: 506
Joined: April 16th, 2012, 12:37 pm
Location: London

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » May 13th, 2017, 1:18 pm

Thank you - yesterday in small street by Exeter's Cathedral School was a small cafe - chalk board hang in the door way with it's joke of the day. That was it. Can't believe they have jokes like that every day! :lol:
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
User avatar
dennispc
Registered
 
Posts: 1622
Joined: September 8th, 2010, 6:28 pm

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » May 14th, 2017, 7:36 pm

What do you call a tree with a sore throat?

A hoarse chestnut!

:lol:
Grasshopper
Spring ventures forth to plant the grain
And Summer dries the straw
Autumn gathers in the harvest
And Winter shuts the door

Image
User avatar
Grasshopper
Registered
 
Posts: 6055
Joined: May 18th, 2010, 8:03 pm
Location: Yorkshire of The White Rose

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » May 18th, 2017, 9:31 am

One from Milton Jones, who I think is excellent.

"I'm not very good at French - in fact I can't even count up to ten.

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept -- and then I start to feel really ill.

I've got a huite intolerance."
Gruney
Registered
 
Posts: 1854
Joined: April 1st, 2010, 6:45 am

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » May 18th, 2017, 12:17 pm

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
so we decided to get married.


There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
User avatar
hickybank
Registered
 
Posts: 4903
Joined: August 2nd, 2010, 2:52 pm
Location: Coventry

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby dennispc » May 18th, 2017, 4:57 pm

Two gems, thanks to both of you. :D
Every day is a good day, it's just that some days are better than others.
User avatar
dennispc
Registered
 
Posts: 1622
Joined: September 8th, 2010, 6:28 pm

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » June 3rd, 2017, 8:11 am

Chap goes to see the doctor.

"I've got a problem - I swallowed my glass eye last week, and I still haven't passed it".

" Go over to there and get undressed, and I'll have a look".

Doctor examines and probes.

" I can't see anything".

"Well that's funny - I can see you".
Gruney
Registered
 
Posts: 1854
Joined: April 1st, 2010, 6:45 am

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » June 27th, 2017, 10:38 pm

A couple from the paper this morning...

"We've gone from a hung parliament to a bung parliament".

"I've been paying NI contributions for years. Now I know what they were for!".

:shock: :shock: :shock:
http://www.saabtechtalk.com/
User avatar
aero280
Site Admin
 
Posts: 6426
Joined: December 31st, 2009, 12:46 pm
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » June 28th, 2017, 6:56 am

The glass eye one! I roared! :lol: :lol:
I miss my cats
TeresaFoodie
Registered
 
Posts: 853
Joined: May 7th, 2017, 11:00 am

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Grasshopper » June 29th, 2017, 8:09 pm

Gruney - that is a classic!
:lol:
Grasshopper
Spring ventures forth to plant the grain
And Summer dries the straw
Autumn gathers in the harvest
And Winter shuts the door

Image
User avatar
Grasshopper
Registered
 
Posts: 6055
Joined: May 18th, 2010, 8:03 pm
Location: Yorkshire of The White Rose

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Gruney » July 3rd, 2017, 11:10 am

Caesar and Brutus get tickets for the final.

Brutus is late,turning up at half time.

"Sorry I'm late, Caesar, but there's been a bad accident - chariots all over the place - I've had to ditch mine and walk. What's the score?"

Caesar replies - "eight two Brute".
Gruney
Registered
 
Posts: 1854
Joined: April 1st, 2010, 6:45 am

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby aero280 » July 13th, 2017, 9:47 pm

Not really a joke, but those internet algorithms need improving, the ones that automatically recommend another product similar to the one you have just bought...

A friend bought some plastic parts for his car's suspension. Different colours for different grades of performance.

His parts were purple...

Screen Shot 2017-07-13 at 22.43.41.png



The next time he went on-line he found that eBay was recommending he buys these similar items :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Screen Shot 2017-07-13 at 22.46.29.png
http://www.saabtechtalk.com/
User avatar
aero280
Site Admin
 
Posts: 6426
Joined: December 31st, 2009, 12:46 pm
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby Luca » July 14th, 2017, 6:34 am

Classic! :lol:
Luca
Global Moderator
 
Posts: 6009
Joined: December 31st, 2009, 2:20 pm
Location: London, UK

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby TeresaFoodie » July 14th, 2017, 9:50 pm

I once knew a mathematician who was constipated. He ended up working it out with a pencil.
I miss my cats
TeresaFoodie
Registered
 
Posts: 853
Joined: May 7th, 2017, 11:00 am

Re: THE DAILY YOKE

Postby hickybank » July 19th, 2017, 5:39 am

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Common sense is not so common
A brain is as strong as it's weakest think
User avatar
hickybank
Registered
 
Posts: 4903
Joined: August 2nd, 2010, 2:52 pm
Location: Coventry

Previous

Return to The Coffee Shop

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot], PatsyMFagan, scullion and 5 guests

cron