Looking after our parents (part 2)

Order yourself a latte, and a pastry (The virtual cinnamon buns are excellent today). And have a nice chat.

Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Zosherooney » January 16th, 2017, 10:29 pm

Herb and Mogs my thoughts are with you and all associated..... it is so very recent since I went through this and times will be hard for you all.

We are still going through the procedure of getting Dads ashes back to the UK but the process is long and complicated. I can see it being summer before we inter his ashes with the hoops we are being asked to jump through.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » January 19th, 2017, 10:06 am

Thanks, Zosh.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Meganthemog » January 23rd, 2017, 1:19 pm

Things happened very quickly since my last post. On Monday night she slipped into a coma - just 4 hours earlier she'd been sitting up eating crisps and satsumas and laughing her head off. She never regained consciousness and died on Friday night at 10.00. The staff were amazing - treated her with such dignity right up until the end. Now we have to arrange the funeral which I think will probably be next Wednesday. Thanks to you all for your great support. :luv:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby StokeySue » January 23rd, 2017, 1:39 pm

Well, MegantheMog, sorry to hear she has gone, but good to hear that it was not as protracted and unpleasant as you feared at one time
My condolences to you and the family :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » January 23rd, 2017, 2:17 pm

So glad it was a peaceful ending. Thinking of you all :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Seatallan » January 23rd, 2017, 2:25 pm

You couldn't wish for a happier exit really could you? :hug: :hug: :hug:

Mogs, when the funeral is done & dusted, I do hope you can have some quality 'me' time. You so deserve a bit of a break.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby nursemimi » January 23rd, 2017, 3:34 pm

Condolences Megan. So glad it was a peaceful ending :hug:

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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Busybee » January 23rd, 2017, 4:59 pm

Condolences Megan, I'm glad that she was laughing until the end.


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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby mogatogs » January 23rd, 2017, 5:12 pm

So sorry, but at least at peace x x :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Meganthemog » January 23rd, 2017, 5:21 pm

Seatallen we have a holiday booked for the end of Feb - 3 weeks in Costa Rica :D I reckon by then we'll be ready for it! MIL was the last of our parents - OH said last night "well I'm an orphan now"! Funny how the word orphan to me conjures up a young child not a thumping great 58 year old!
Funeral all sorted - just got to get the death certificate. They want to see the wedding certificate - goodness only knows where she kept that. Will have to go over tonight and have a look for it.
So much paperwork to sort out.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby scullion » January 23rd, 2017, 5:46 pm

my condolences, too.
a swift and pain free passing is all one can hope for.
on a more practical note i suggest you get a couple more death certificates than you think you need - it will be much cheaper than going back for more when you find that banks/council/ any bod who needs one will want an original copy.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Seatallan » January 23rd, 2017, 5:50 pm

Meganthemog wrote:OH said last night "well I'm an orphan now"! Funny how the word orphan to me conjures up a young child not a thumping great 58 year old!


It's odd what an impact it has isn't it? I can remember saying exactly the same when my father died and OH said it when MIL died in September. :hug: :hug:

SO pleased you have a proper long holiday coming up soon. You could both really do with it. :D
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby scullion » January 23rd, 2017, 5:52 pm

i said the same, two and a bit years ago, too.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby miss mouse » January 23rd, 2017, 6:20 pm

scullion wrote: i suggest you get a couple more death certificates than you think you need - it will be much cheaper than going back for more when you find that banks/council/ any bod who needs one will want an original copy.


Good advice. I do not think that these organisations keep them but if only one is available waiting for its return can delay things before the next organisation is dealt with.

There is also a 'Tell us once' service which covers all government departments.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Ratatouille » January 23rd, 2017, 7:25 pm

My condolences too and also added thoughts that it was peaceful and dignified. You couldn't wish for more for a loved one :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby earthmaiden » January 23rd, 2017, 7:44 pm

:hug: :hug: my deepest condolences, a whirlwind shock for those left behind but you must be grateful that a person so dear to you was laughing until the end.

In agreement re the certificates, you really do need more than you think and they are expensive later.

I do hope all the arrangements go well. xx
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Zosherooney » January 23rd, 2017, 10:16 pm

Mogs, sorry to hear but a relief in a funny sort of way..... I know with my Dad it was a bit of a relief, no more suffering. You could do with a break and it will now happen, our thoughts with you for your loss. :luv: :luv:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby mum-at-the-oven » January 24th, 2017, 12:57 am

Condolences Megan :hug:

I became an "Orphan" age 44 and at the time I had an overwhelming desire to find a quiet space on a hill and be at one with nature - I fantasised about it - unfortunately for me that was not possible and my mental health suffered because of it so I would really take a deep breath and relish the time you have in Costa Rica to reflect
I wish you well and I feel for you :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Chinchilla_lady » January 24th, 2017, 7:52 am

Sending you many condolences Megan, I am pleased it was a peaceful passing for her :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby uschi » January 24th, 2017, 9:04 am

Good vibes coming to you, Mogs and OH! It is odd to be an orphan at such an age, but one feels orphaned nontheless.
I hope that your holiday will recharge your batteries to the max. You so deserve this after all you have done. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Herbidacious, good vibes for you and your mum, too!! I so hope that some good solution can be found for her. Sometimes it takes something like a tumble to set things in motion. :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby cooksalot » January 24th, 2017, 9:39 am

Condolences - it sounds as though she had a peaceful and dignified passing. :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Meganthemog » January 24th, 2017, 9:57 am

My BIL is picking the medical certificate up today and then registering the death - I've asked him to get 6 copies of the death certificate. Appointment made with her bank for Thursday. Funeral arrangements coming along nicely. Picked her clothes last night - nice bright yellow jumper with matching shoes - she loved her shoes and these are from Hotter. Will tackle her wardrobe at a later date - she has a massive wardrobe mainly M&S tops and trousers - the local charity shops are going to do very well! Her cashmere jumpers are going to a friend's mother who makes liberty print lined cashmere baby coats from old jumpers and sells them for the NSPCC :D
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » January 24th, 2017, 5:14 pm

Megan, I am so sorry to hear that :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Luca » January 24th, 2017, 5:31 pm

My sincere condolences.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » April 9th, 2017, 4:58 pm

Well it's been a bumpy three months and my mother is back in hospital again. We have had a stressful couple of days as the council tried to hand over care to a private company, but they had forgotten to assess her financially. My mother refused to sign forms as they had left a blank where it said who had to pay what and how much. (This was after she possibly put the phone down on someone, or at least terminated a phone call to someone trying to arrange an appointment because she couldn't understand their accent. This was noted on her records as refusing to let anyone come round...)

Anyway, three falls in 12 hours later (the stress?) she's back in hospital. I have been ringing off and on all day but she's still not reached her final destination bed (!) and they won't give me any info other than that they have no cause for great concern (phew?) But I am due to go on holiday on Wednesday so upset and unsure what to do. I really really need this holiday. Apart from stress caused by mother and constant visits up north, and brother in law nearly dying and still not out of the woods re liver transplant, and husband losing his job in the middle of all this, work has been/is very stressful. Aggh. (Or possibly more of a whimper than a guttural cry.)

I am wondering if I broke a mirror or something.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby miss mouse » April 9th, 2017, 5:06 pm

Wow. Well that is a lot to cope with Herbi. IME disaster comes in streams, mostly as soon as one of us has said how calm and wonderful life is, it tempts the fates I think. Go on your hols is my advice. You will be no use to anyone collapsing into a gibbering heap. What practical thing can you do if you stay? No-0ne is co operating despite your best efforts IIRC and if you collapse and lose your job... Tough times need tough decisions IME. Good luck.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Pepper Pig » April 9th, 2017, 5:07 pm

Oh Herbi, how dreadful. :o :o :o

Why do things always happen at once? Can't help at all but please have a Big Hug. :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Zosherooney » April 9th, 2017, 5:17 pm

I have to echo MM and say go and have your break and try and chill and relax - put up a breeze block wall because you may need strength later, not set in stone...... :luv: :luv: :hug: :hug: :luv: :luv:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby StokeySue » April 9th, 2017, 5:19 pm

Oh, Herbi, that's awful :hug: :hug:

I agree with Miss Mouse, get your rest and recreation in, then you might feel better able to cope, both of you as I expect your OH is pretty stressed too
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Seatallan » April 9th, 2017, 5:41 pm

Another vote for taking the holiday Herbi (and if at all possible, do it without feeling furtive/guilty. You deserve a break). :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » April 9th, 2017, 5:42 pm

Thank you all. You are all so kind. :hug:

I plan to go up to Sheffield tomorrow evening and see her on Tuesday, so at least I can take her some things, but am waiting to get more info from the hospital at the moment. I would have gone tonight, but apart form not having enough information, I am supposed to be sending a book off tomorrow.

I suppose if I go on holiday, I can come back early if I need to. I am just going to the French house, although we had planned a little road trip at the end with hotels booked in Maastricht (my favourite band is playing) and Brugges.

Poor husband. It's his birthday tomorrow. He says he is too miserable to bother with it, but I would have liked to have had the chance to try and make it nice for him.

Anyway, thank you again.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » April 9th, 2017, 6:11 pm

As everyone has said ... take your holiday ... you need it now and you'll need it even more later.

Before you go, see the social work department in the hospital and make sure they know that your mother is not to be discharged without a proper Discharge Meeting which you will attend on your return from France and not before. Any discharge without this meeting will result in a Formal Complaint
which will be copied to your MP and legal action should anything befall your mother as a result of them discharging her ... say this LOUD and LONG and make sure it is ON HER NOTES.

Has your mother had any input from the Local Authority Social Work Department? If so inform them as well ............... in fact, inform them anyway.

Then go to France and rest and try to relax and both you and your OH have a platonic :hug: from me.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby StokeySue » April 9th, 2017, 6:23 pm

:tu: Suffolk
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby miss mouse » April 9th, 2017, 6:28 pm

Herbidacious wrote:I plan to go up to Sheffield tomorrow evening and see her on Tuesday, so at least I can take her some things, but am waiting to get more info from the hospital at the moment. I would have gone tonight, but apart form not having enough information, I am supposed to be sending a book off tomorrow.


Why are you going to Sheffield at all?

"I am supposed to be sending a book off tomorrow." I imagine that this is something to do with publishing rather than sticking a book in the post (Joke). Keeping your job is what matters most in these shaky times and your sanity of course. Excellent advice from Suffs, follow it.

Don't go to Sheffield, if asked keep repeating , 'It just isn't possible at this time', do not apologise, expand or explain. Sheffield will cope without you. Or have the break messed up, collapse in a withering heap...If the Ma requires Stuff then post it.

Sometimes it is time to say NO, I won't do this any more.

Edited to add, no I do not and would not expect my children to be slavishly devoted to me. That would be unreasonable.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Busybee » April 9th, 2017, 7:15 pm

Excellent advice from Suffs. I can't offer any practical help but am sending you lots of virtual love.

Be kind to yourself.

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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » April 9th, 2017, 7:25 pm

Thank you all again. Virtual love and hugs, advice and support... it's very much appreciated.

I have texted my mother's social worker and will ring her tomorrow. I am rather hoping my mother, when she is discharged, will be back with the NHS interim care package, as that will give us time to sort out the financial side. tbh honest the word Home keeps popping into my mind, but I think that would kill her. Anyway will deal with that as and when.

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Miss Mouse, yes the book is for work! It's my version of Wuthering Heights (for 9 years olds. I cut the nasty bits out...) I had Kate Bush in my head more often than I should have while I was working on it. Will be glad to see it go now. It took a long time to write. A last minute cut of two pages, one of which I did on Friday, was declared to be required on Friday before it goes (we need a half title apparently - the page that has the title on it and nothing else... waste of good writing space if you ask me.) Painful.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Zosherooney » April 9th, 2017, 8:23 pm

:luv: :luv: Herb.... such difficult times, thinking of you.... :luv: :luv:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby miss mouse » April 9th, 2017, 8:41 pm

It's my version of Wuthering Heights (for 9 years olds. I cut the nasty bits out...)

Wow. I don't think that I have managed to finish the book or listen to a dramatisation to the end. Goodness, is there anything left after the nasty bits have been cut? Utter bleakness.

A not Kate Bush experience to cheer you up

kate bush wuthering heights dancealong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8jQl_zOKm4

get it out of your system.

Be brave, have a hol.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » April 9th, 2017, 8:53 pm

Thanks. (I think. Actually it looks fun.) For my next trick I am doing 350,000 word long Dombey and Son in about 8,000 :shock:

I am feeling a little calmer now.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby miss mouse » April 9th, 2017, 9:15 pm

Herbidacious wrote:I am feeling a little calmer now.


Hooray. I think it would be fun, speaking as one who can fall over her own feet at any time.

Herbidacious wrote:Dombey and Son in about 8,000


Good grief. Read it. Can't remember it, remind me in ten words, hahaha, how's that for a challenge. They do it on R4 from time to time, War and Peace in 30 words etc.

Have a good hol and you must have a hol or you will crack up and be a burden on the nation which it is your civic duty not to do. Also you have to keep working and... Hmm isn't all this going well. I givvup.

Take the hol, be guilt-free, accept that whatever you do is wrong.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby earthmaiden » April 9th, 2017, 9:32 pm

What Suffs said :hug: :hug:. Thoughts are with you though, such times are so horrid. You will be able to have a nice birthday celebration on holiday away from it all. xx
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Amber » April 9th, 2017, 9:46 pm

I'm not sure I would take my own advice, but I think you should go on holiday. There's nothing you can do to change your mum's situation, but a) you need the break, and b) after a break, you (and your OH) will be better able to cope with whatever life throws at you.

Hugs.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby uschi » April 10th, 2017, 12:18 am

I'm so sorry to hear all that, Herbidacious!!! Hugs to you and your OH!

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Oh, and a belated happy birthday to your OH!!!

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Suffolk's suggestion sounds eminently sensible.
Do go on holiday get some rest. You will need it.

Bruges and Maastricht ... lovely!!!!
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Seatallan » April 10th, 2017, 9:46 am

Herbidacious wrote:tbh honest the word Home keeps popping into my mind, but I think that would kill her.


You know what Herbi, you might be pleasantly surprised. I thought the same in relation to my father and he was very reluctant about it to start with but once we (with his involvement) found the right place and he'd taken the plunge he found a whole new lease of life. He no longer felt vulnerable and under pressure (which he had done- increasingly- in his home despite the care package and our repeated intervention- you know exactly what a total nightmare it can be) and it lifted an almighty burden from us. Perhaps, when you return from holiday, you and your mum need to have a serious conversation about future options. Sometimes you have to be assertive for the sake of your own health and well being. :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » April 10th, 2017, 10:05 am

Seatallan wrote:You know what Herbi, you might be pleasantly surprised.


My thoughts too ... my parents were both happy in 'The Lovely Home' ... in many ways they found it empowering, once they got used to the idea they were able to ask for help to do things that they wanted to do ... the staff were lovely and kept reminding them that it was 'their job to help them be happy and make their own choices' - initially both my two felt awkward asking as they 'didn't want to be a nuisance' but soon got the idea :D
Ma enjoyed the regular visits from a chap who did reminiscence work with them ... she loved telling everyone how it was 'in her day', what she did in the Land Army etc, they also had a music group and Ma played chime bars and joined in the singing. They had their own newspaper delivered and as they became more and more frail there was help to read and understand it. Pa enjoyed watching the birds on the feeders in the garden, and it was 'his job' to remind the staff to top up the feeders outside the dining room window, as well as remind staff to water the tomato plants in the courtyard in the summer.
Honestly, if I'm ever in that situation and I have the choice of living on my own with carers coming in several times a day to feed, bath, dress and toilet me and put me to bed which is what our next door neighbour has, or to go to the home where my parents were, I'd be there like a shot.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » April 10th, 2017, 12:56 pm

Thanks again.

Uschi, I will pass on your birthday message to T :)

Well we shall see, Seatallan. Like mother like daughter - she likes to have all her things around her, especially her pride and joy - her beautiful, pristine, antique bedroom furniture, and her garden - although she can't really do anything in it and that frustrates her. She's also a terrible intellectual snob and has preconceptions about who lives in homes :oops: I guess the way is to gradually nudge her in that direction unless things get so bad that her care providers refuse to continue caring for her.
She is having an x-ray today. I still can't get much info out of the hospital though. I will go up tonight and come back tomorrow.
Last time she was in hospital, I rang everyday and she said that they didn't tell her. I may leave a card to tell her I am doing that in case she just doesn't remember... I don't want her to feel abandoned.

Suffs, your parents' home sounds lovely. I hope I can find such a nice one if or when the time comes.

Meanwhile Wuthering Heights done but have been asked to sort out anther book (not written by me but I've had some editorial input) that needs cutting. Today! Doesn't help the stress levels, to put it mildly, but I had better get on with it. And ask for an editorial credit...!

p.s. Dombey and Son in ten words. Not sure I can, but in twenty six:
Excessively proud businessman longs for a son and neglects his daughter. Son dies, he remarries unwisely, almost loses all, but is eventually reconciled with his daughter.

I might do better, but I need to cut Jane Eyre (!)
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby scullion » April 10th, 2017, 3:43 pm

here you go, i've done it for you - under 200 words.

Dad dies, wicked stepmother sends me to a failing school, friend croaks.
I get governess job in the north for absentee master’s child. Fall in love with him when he gets back. Throw water on him in the middle of the night when mad woman in the attic sets fire to him. A stranger comes and is attacked by the same woman.
I offer resignation when I learn that the master is getting married then find that I’m the intended.
The wedding stops when the stranger returns and the mad woman is revealed as mrs Rochester, the master’s wife, so I run away.
By a totally unbelievable coincidence I’m found in a state of extreme distress by some relatives, given a house and a job, get a windfall from an uncle, and expected to marry the male cousin and take up a missionary position. I resist and then hear the telepathic cry of the master while out for a walk. I return to the master’s house but it’s a fired shell. Find the housekeeper and now blinded mr Rochester living nearby and marry him as his wife perished in the fire.
He sight slowly improves but his looks don’t.


now go and have a holiday.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Luca » April 10th, 2017, 4:18 pm

:lol: :lol: scullion and loads of good advice from all. Go on holiday Herbi and enjoy it!!!! (You have to do what I say... I'm a mod! ;) )

Seriously, I hope all goes well and that you can get on holiday, after following Suffs notes to the letter! :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » April 10th, 2017, 4:41 pm

Herbi - Ma too was a snob - initially an intellectual one and in her later years the social standing of others became important to her - she was thrilled to discover that one of the residents was a titled lady and she frequently 'took tea' with her ... another of the residents was a woman of fearsome intellect and ascerbic tongue .. a former Oxford Don (apparently) who 'filled in' the Telegraph crossword every day (I never checked it) and who chose the sherry for the pre-lunch drinks. She looked just like Jean Anderson in Tenko. I loved chatting with her when Ma was sitting near her in the sitting room when I visited. I was allowed to call her by her first name :shock: :D Another resident was a skilled pianist and even tho she was confused, her playing wasn't. One of the male residents played the accordion and often sat outside playing the old tunes that everyone loved to sing along to.
And all the residents had their own furniture in their rooms if that's what they wanted, their own pictures on the walls and their own nicknacks and precious things around them.
It really was a home from home. Ma even came to love the tabby cat who lived there ........ and she'd always loathed cats ......... but the cat who lived there was exceptionally intelligent according to Ma ... he'd learned to get off a chair before someone sat on him :lol:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Seatallan » April 10th, 2017, 4:52 pm

Herbidacious wrote:she likes to have all her things around her, especially her pride and joy - her beautiful, pristine, antique bedroom furniture, and her garden


Dad was much the same about his things. We helped him chose the pieces of furniture that were most important to him and he took them with him when he moved into the home (said furniture included a Dutch dresser and a drinks cabinet :D ). His room had French windows that opened onto his own private patio area and there was a garden beyond that so he didn't feel deprived. Indeed, I think it was a relief to him to have a garden that was being properly tended (he'd been a keen gardener all his life but was no longer capable of gardening by the time he moved and the garden at the family home was going to rack & ruin).

Enjoy your break Herbi, and when you come back my advice is to get hold of a few brochures for local homes and leave them strategically placed. :hug: :hug:
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