Looking after our parents (part 2)

[miss mouse]

p.s. Dombey and Son in ten words. Not sure I can, but in twenty six:

Fantastic summary Herbi.

By a totally unbelievable coincidence I’m found in a state of extreme distress by some relatives, given a house and a job, get a windfall from an uncle, and expected to marry the male cousin and take up a missionary position.

Hahaha scullion, splendid summary.


I think all the oldies are snobs, mine were, will I be? Oh dear.

[uschi]

(...) He sight slowly improves but his looks don’t.

Love it Scullion! I first read it (in German that time) when I was twelve. And loved it more than Wuthering Heights later.

[StokeySue]

Never been able to get on with Wuthering Heights, loved Jane Eyre.

[miss mouse]

Never been able to get on with Wuthering Heights

Nor me. A series of people being unrelentingly cruel to each other through the generations when I could understand any of it, isn't everyone called ''Cathy' and sitting by an empty grate in the cold wearing rags? Les Miserables is pretty grim as well. Oooh, I wonder whether our word crafters could summarise that in 26 words?

[scullion]

a stream of police victimisation, destitution, reproduction and barricades followed by, and interspersed with, karma, death and a hope for the future - and some good songs.
but then the film may have removed the book from my memory - it's been a long time.

[Ratatouille]

Never been able to get on with Wuthering Heights, loved Jane Eyre.

Me neither and I did it for "O" level GD is doing it for her GCSE and absolutely loves it.

[scullion]

i thought it was a great book, but how a sheltered young woman could come up with such degradation and obsession i find quite astounding.

[suffolk]

i thought it was a great book, but how a sheltered young woman could come up with such degradation and obsession i find quite astounding.

I seem to remember coming across quite a bit of that in some very old 'religious' books from my gt grandmother's library...

[Seatallan]

Never been able to get on with Wuthering Heights, loved Jane Eyre.

Me too. I always wanted to slap Cathy and take an ASBO out on Heathcliffe. Love Jane Eyre as a character and Mr Rochester is one of the most sexually attractive men in literature in my opinion.

[Seatallan]

...And talking of literary characters I want to slap, Tess of the Durbervilles and that sanctimonious git Angel Clare are way up on the list too.

[PurpleLuv]

I want to slap, Tess of the Durbervilles

I feel that way about Bridget Jones

[slimpersoninside]

Sorry to say this but don't you think this is the wrong thread for a discussion about literature?

[scullion]

that may be true but if we're going to be pedantic very few posts would be on here as many of the parents are not being looked after by us personally but rather by care homes, carers and, unfortunately for people like me, earthworms.
i think the 'literature' posts on here are more to do with moral support and a bit of levity for herbidacious who is going through a difficult time of it at the moment.
the thread is not being diverted from anyone you, or others, may or may not be caring for at the moment it's just having a quick comfort break in a lay-by.

[PatsyMFagan]

I think digression is par for the course when you having a chat about anything and this happened when Herbi first posted about looking after her mother - One thing led to another and I quite understand how/why this has happened ...

[scullion]

exactly - it's a chat in a coffee shop not in a filing system.

[Meganthemog]

I'll have to remember that one Scullion - being cared for by earthworms

[miss mouse]

I want to slap, Tess of the Durbervilles

I feel that way about Bridget Jones

W

a stream of police victimisation, destitution, reproduction and barricades followed by, and interspersed with, karma, death and a hope for the future - and some good songs.
but then the film may have removed the book from my memory - it's been a long time.

I only listened to the R4 jobby. There was a woman who had a child out of wedlock and sold her teeth. Ghastly epi.

I hope that we are giving Herbi lots of info for her next book summary. I think the thread lovely, there are times when a person needs a little light relief. 'Looking after our parents' is a tricky one.

Edied to add; well Tessis is a complete wet blanket and Angel Clare, words fail me.
Many thanks to our well-read posters.

Keep surviving, Herbi.

[slimpersoninside]

Edited

[Herbidacious]

Thank you all. I enjoyed all that very much

My mother was not as bad as I feared, but which I suppose I mean she was 'all there'. (She remembered telling me to shut up, justified it, then sort of apologized!) I still think she was confused and was possibly covering her tracks. She is, of course, terrified of dementia.
She was in al ot of pain, althugh she'd had a lovely night with morphine apparently. SH's hirt her elbow - possibly a tiny fracture - and her hand has swollen up which they say is arthritis... but it wasn't swollen before.

I am currently trying to summon up the nerve to ring the hospital to see how she is before I set off for France. (Mind you it usually seems to take about five attempts before anyone can tell me anything.) She says 'they' lost her wedding ring so I probably ought to chase that up.

My visit was much appreciated I think. I ended up spending about 4 hours talking with her, which is more than usually happens when I spend a weekend with her. Note to self: try and arrange things at her house so that I can sit closer to her so that she can hear me. I realise I don;t engage in proper conversations with her so much as communication is difficult.

Wuthering Heights: before this, I had tried to read it several times and failed. I did enjoy it this time (I was kind of studying it too, I suppose, which always helps) although the person who sits next to me at work had endure my many outraged invectives again Heathcliff. What a B**s*ard. I can only think that people who regard him as a romantic hero haven't really read it. He says himself of his wife Isabella "She abandoned them under a delusion... picturing in me a hero of romance, and expecting unlimited indulgences from my chivalrous devotion. I can hardly regard her in the light of a rational creature, so obstinately has she persisted in forming a fabulous notion of my character and acting on the false impressions she cherished." Now there's irony for you. And as for the death count. I had a mental tally of progressive deaths which I used to mark off where I had got to in terms of writing it.

Dombey and Son is very witty... and very wordy. I am utterly daunted by the task as it's to be reduced to a chapter in a collection as opposed to a book in itself. Still I did a couple of Shakespeares last year, but these were mini marathons compared to this.

Thank you all again. OH is having a Skype job interview right now and we will be heading for the coast not long after... with my mother's sanction.

p.s. after Dombey, I am 'doing' Sense and Sensibility.

[uschi]

I am glad that things look better now, Herbidacious!

As for your mother being terrified of dementia: similar states can be reached, because one runs out of energy much easier as one gets older. Not drinking enough, an infection or other things can bring on bewilderment. In my parents things always cleared up once antibiotics were given, for instance. Well, when my mother's liver packed in in her final weeks things did not improve, but that's a different matter.

It may be an incentive for her to look after herself better or to consider a home where the more strenuous things in life are taken care of so she can relax a bit and has more energy.

Fingers crossed for T's interview and have a lovely holiday!!!
Come back safely.

[Herbidacious]

I don't think she eats properly. She has little appetite. Apparently geriatric anorexia is common. After she came out of hospital in January she was brighter (mentally) than I have seen her in a long time. I have tried to cajole her into eating more (sh is afraid of putting on weight - she weighs about 8 stone, although she is only about 4ft 10 now I think.) Because she eats so little, and the carers won't spend longer than it takes to microwave a meal, and because there are so many things she doesn't like (anything that tastes nice, er, I mean, with herbs or spices) we had hit on the solution of toddler meals! However I am wondering now if they are sufficiently nutritious and worried that eating these might have caused her anaemia. (The doctor suggested that she might be having some stomach bleeding but didn't want to give her a endoscopy in her then state.) The carers do cook her a poached egg every day though, and she's been eating sandwiches having said before that she couldn't eat bread. I fear if the carers are cut back to twice a day, her food consumption will drop.

She is aware of the need to drink, but of course she is afraid of not getting to the toilet in time. She has commodes in her bedroom and sitting room but doesn't like using them.

Anyway, rang the hospital today and the nurse said she will be in over Easter. They should feed her up a bit

As one of her friends pointed out, she is 'mentally tough' and she had not lost of sense of humour, didn;t even when she was frighteningly poorly at the beginning of the year. Her nephew tells me that's a Davies trait I hope I have it too.

[Ratatouille]

Glad you have had somewhat better news and a chance to see her Herbie.

Now the most important thing after good luck to Mr H - off you go and have a lovely relaxing time in la belle France

[Zosherooney]

Yes, good luck to Hubb with the job

Have a good holiday break yourself and....... Breathe !

[suffolk]

Herbie when you get back, have a word with her GP Practice about fortified drinks for seniors ... they were a godsend for Pa when his appetite decreased and he began to lose weight. The thing is it becomes a vicious circle, the appetite decreases so they become weaker so the appetite decreases ........... Pa really liked his chocolate drinks

[earthmaiden]

... also, if you can promote better hydration, what about Tena Lady type pads for those times when getting to the loo is difficult? Just about everyone I have known who has had that kind of thing has got used to it very quickly and it saves a lot of cleaning up and odour if accidents occur. Some are quite discreet these days.

[Herbidacious]

thanks, Rats and Zosh.

Earthmaiden she wears some pads for 'dribbles' (sorry...!) but won't wear pants. I think she has meds to stop her going to the loo too

Suffolk. I had wondered about those. She has declared she no longer likes sweet things (sigh. And there goes my one-time, sure-fire winner in terms of little presents for her.) And she is afraid of putting on weight.

Sorry if I am sounding negative but she has a reasons not to do anything sensible I suggest. I am aware that I am sometimes prone to do this myself

I am going to write myself a manifesto to read to myself when I am her age... (and also heed now)!

I have, of course, come down with a terrible cold, but I really don't care that much. Thank goodness this is not some big rushing around holiday. Thank goodness all this didn't happen before Cuba last year!

[Amber]

Wiltshire Farm Foods may not be to everyone's tastes, but at least they are small portions if she doesn't want (for whatever reason) to eat a lot.

[Herbidacious]

My mother did actually order some of those off her own bat (surprisingly), Amber, but she's not keen. (Eye-rolling emoticon!) She says they don't cook evenly and some of them don't taste nice. I said that lots of people have them and like them so the reheating issue can't be an intrinsic problem... At any rate, they are a good standby as they deliver quite quickly.

I do wonder if a rival high(er)- end operation would be a good business opportunity for someone. Or maybe 'senior' options that can be sold via supermarkets as well (WFF has the edge insofar that they deliver and you don't need the internet.) I almost wish I were business minded, savvy, etc...

I heard today that, apparently, she has agreed to be put on a waiting list for a rehabilitation centre. Yay! If only they had done this in January, but better late than never, I guess.

[scullion]

my mother spent a couple of weeks in one of those and, i think, enjoyed being looked after.
when it came to taking the next step and converting it to a care home she refused to give it a fair go and insisted on going home half way through the two week 'taster'. it was such a shame, it was an amazingly good place.
if she had embraced the experience and joined in she may well have been alive now rather than having made the decision to pop her clogs.
her attachment to the house and all the 'stuff' it contained (most of which was sent to recycling), i'm sure, shortened her life.

[Meganthemog]

We have a company here called Oakhouse Foods that do look a bit more upmarket from WFF http://www.oakhousefoods.co.uk
My MIL swore by M&S - we'd take her shopping and she'd freeze them - she used OF once and said they were good. She did say that she didn't like microwaving them though but preferred to heat them in the oven.
Scullion, I have spent weeks emptying MIL's house. She had stuff from both her parents houses and my FIL's family home - I am now the proud owner of two sets of fish knives and forks
Seriously though, I am getting shot of so much stuff so that my DD doesn't have to when we pop our clogs.
Just looked on Ebay - there are literally hundreds of fish knives and fork sets with not a single bid on any of them! How do people eat fish??

[scullion]

out of the newspaper, with their fingers!

[StokeySue]

I do wonder if a rival high(er)- end operation would be a good business opportunity for someone. Or maybe 'senior' options that can be sold via supermarkets as well (WFF has the edge insofar that they deliver and you don't need the internet.) I almost wish I were business minded, savvy, etc...

I've known a couple of people who have had their freezers filled by local small scale caterers, one in particular was one of those young women who usually do canapes or dinner parties, but would also batch cook for the freezer, the advantage being that she could make some allowance for individual preference.

The problem is, finding them

[Herbidacious]

Well a local cafe does take out ready meals to warm up at home, I gather. So that's an option. The problem is more finding food she likes, as she doesn't like what is, by most people's standards, 'normal' food. e.g. lasagne, pasta dishes in general, rice dishes. anything with strong herb or spice flavours, or garlic. She even (especially) hates tomato and basil soup! The only ready meal she really likes from Sainsbury's is their TTD moussaka which I have bought and divided a single person's portion into three for her for the freezer.
She has been limited to what the carers will do, and they won't do anything that takes more than ten minutes. I am not sure that she is really not capable of sticking something in the oven herself, but if she has good days and bad days it might not be wise to set precedence regarding preparing her own food.
Last time we were there, we did a Waitrose shop in the hope of finding something else, but it was disappointing. (Not the same range as our local one.)

Will try M&S next time as there is a supermarket only one bear the centre of town.

I can't tell you what joy it gives me when I risk buying something new and she actually likes it

I am naughtily thinking now that if she gets into the rehab place, I will be able to do other things when I am up there, such as Derbyshire (so to peak) and long-neglected old school friends. I am of course now slightly worried of jinxing things, so I shall shut up!

Gosh I am missing her though. We usually speak every day.

[Seatallan]

I am naughtily thinking now that if she gets into the rehab place, I will be able to do other things when I am up there, such as Derbyshire (so to peak) and long-neglected old school friends. I am of course now slightly worried of jinxing things, so I shall shut up!

Not naughty at all Herbi...

Tell you what, it was going to a respite nursing home for a few weeks that sold my father on the idea of moving permanently to a nursing home so it could prove to be the best thing that could happen. Will keep all crossed anyway.

[StokeySue]

I di d phenomenal amount of my shopping in Chichester when my Mum was in care there

[WWordsworth]

My mother likes the. M & S ready meals, especially the chicken casserole and beef with dumplings.
My late MIL tried WFF and hated them so I used to fill her freezer with stuff she enjoyed such as Sainsbury's ham and mushroom pasta.
She wasn't very mobile towards the end but she still enjoyed a hot meal every day.

[Herbidacious]

Thanks. Just trial and error with the food, I think. I am surprised she likes the moussaka, actually. Fingers crossed re the rehab home.

[earthmaiden]

MIL had Wiltshire Farm Foods, she hated anything 'mucked about' or 'foreign' and they were ideal, as long as she had help selecting the dishes which did not fall into those categories. I had lunch with her a few times and thought they were pretty good, we even had Christmas Dinner one year and I have had worse. She did go on to toddler meals and WFF small meals as she started to eat less.

I still find it odd that people flock to M&S, I find both their sandwiches and ready meals less appealing to eat than some other brands.

The Cook range do deliveries and some of their dishes are microwaveable. They are expensive but supposedly used the best ingredients. I know several people of a certain type (hope there are non reading!) who find these acceptable because there seems a certain snob value attached to them. They are very nice of course - but I'm not sure if that are THAT nice! http://www.cookfood.net/menu/main-meals. They are quite large too,

So sad when independence and treasured possessions have to be swapped for loving care. I think some are more prepared for the transition than others but it's still hard.

[Herbidacious]

I am not a ready meal fan at all (not for snobby reasons. They just always seem to disappoint) and don't really buy them enough to compare, but over a period of a couple of weeks a while back, I tested cauliflower cheese from Tesco, Sainsbury's, Waitrose and M&S and the M&S one was the best imo (There are times when I can eat cauliflower cheese for England. Alas, husband loathes it so I don't always bother to make it.) They do the best strawberry trifles too (again just imo.)

My mother went into the care home (temporarily to convalesce) on Friday. I managed to speak to her for the first time since I saw her in hospital last night. She seemed ok. Said the food wasn't as good as in hospital but that, so far, is the only moan. I think she was a bit annoyed with me. DIdn't ask about the holiday at all. When we got home there were two peevish messages on the answering machine. One left two days after I saw her, asking me to cancel her hairdressing appointment and another the next day, very cross because I'd not told her if I'd arrived or got back safely from my holiday. She was clearly confused about when I was away and for how long, but crossly said I hadn't told her when we spoke. She is getting rather good at fibbing to cover her not unreasonable absent-mindedness in view of her circumstances, or is confabulating a bit. I did ring the hospital every other day while on holiday and asked them to tell her... ah well. I am going up on Friday if I can get the afternoon off - I really can't take time off or more time than that before - and coming back on Saturday. I need a day of rest to myself...

She has to be fetched to use the phone, so I am going to look into a cheap, uncomplicated, PAYG mobile for her for the duration of her stay there. Clearly I am missing my daily moaning session from her But glad that all I have to worry about at the moment is how annoyed she is with me!

[suffolk]

Herbi
We found a very straight forward mobile with big buttons for my Aged Ps when they went into the Lovely Home - think it was recommended by Age UK.

[PatsyMFagan]

There's this one Herbi :

https://www.chums.co.uk/Products/AN001/ ... %20Consult)&utm_term=4582077269811546&utm_content=Bestsellers

[Herbidacious]

Thank you. They look great! Will get one asap.

[Seatallan]

We found a very straight forward mobile with big buttons for my Aged Ps when they went into the Lovely Home - think it was recommended by Age UK

We found one like that for my dad when he went to the nursing home. Mind you, he never really got to grips with it. He would hold it upside down and then wonder why he couldn't hear anything. I'd be yelling at the top of my voice at him to 'turn it up the other way dad!' and he'd be cursing the 'confounded thing' and banging it on the table. I usually had to give up eventually, ring reception and ask one of them to stand by whilst I rang dad again. They were very patient about it (bless them...)

Welcome Home Herbie

[suffolk]

Yes, we got to that stage with Ma so we rang the Lovely Home phone and they'd take it to her (Pa always claimed he couldn't hear on the phone) ... whereas Pa would mistake his 'electric chair controls' for the tv thingummy, and keep pressing a button to change the channel while slowly raising his chair and ejecting himself face first onto the floor ... after two ejection incidents the staff unplugged his chair from the wall and he had to call them to help if he wanted to recline it.

[Meganthemog]

MIL would often get confused between the phone and the remote control - phone would ring and she'd pick up wand and wonder why the phone kept on ringing. Another friend took remote control out with her instead of the phone - OH was livid as he had to stick with the one channel all night

[Herbidacious]

[suffolk]

MIL would often get confused between the phone and the remote control - phone would ring and she'd pick up wand and wonder why the phone kept on ringing

Don't! ........... the other day I picked up the tv thingy and was going to make a call on it They are very similar ............... really they are

[Zosherooney]

Eer.... I've done that.... Used Mr. Z's phone (my old one) and tried to swipe the screen with my finger, it does not work.....! Silly b*tch..

[Seatallan]

I think we all need a Lovely Home right now!

[suffolk]

There are many worse places to be, believe me