Looking after our parents (part 2)

Order yourself a latte, and a pastry (The virtual cinnamon buns are excellent today). And have a nice chat.

Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » May 22nd, 2017, 1:26 pm

It does not seem unreasonable that one should pay for one's own care, except insofar that it's another step away from the Welfare State.

I don't need my mother's inheritance - my sister, without a doubt, pretty much does, but I don't think even she would object to the money from the sale of my mother's house ultimately being used to pay for her care. It's hard to object to this unless you are the elderly person in question, without sounding selfish... although only selfish if one believes that there is no alternative, such as raising taxes, getting rid of Trident etc.

This proposal, as far as I can see, primarily affects people who are being cared for at home. At the moment they only have their 'cash' taken into account, and not their property, in most local authority areas. The system of a loan for the rest of your life against future home sales already exists for those in residential care? (Although I imagine most people in residential care will sell their homes whilst they are still alive.) It must/will be hard for councils to budget this. What happens if the housing market crashes? And in areas where houses are generally worth little more than £100,000, local authorities are going to have to pay out a lot more than ones in places such as London.

Future generations, of course, won't own homes to sell...

OH was doing a bit of political canvassing yesterday. One diehard Tory said this was the last straw (after Brexit) and he was going to vote Lib Dem!
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby uschi » May 22nd, 2017, 1:31 pm

I always felt that dealing with dementia was so much more difficult than anything I had to deal with caring for my parents. Except for my mother's final weeks both were fully aware of what was going on and I could discuss things with them.
OK, I sometimes had to stay up very late or get up in the middle of the night, because of Papa's stoma bag, but I didn't have to worry about him burning down the house or wandering off, didn't have to face tantrums and the like or him forgetting who I was.
I am grateful for that and I always thought Trish was a saint.

But ultimately Sue is right. It's almost impossible to care for someone with dementia in one's home.
A care home is by far the best and safest solution for everyone concerned.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby StokeySue » May 22nd, 2017, 3:58 pm

I think the domestic violence mindset thing it probably spot on, though I'm no psychologist
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Meganthemog » May 22nd, 2017, 4:20 pm

Had a very similar situation with my MIL. She took out an equity release on her house as her pension didn't cover her lifestyle. She liked to go to the hair dressers every week, out for lunch with her friends, holidays etc etc. She and my late FIL had a nice house which they had paid for after working hard all their lives. OH and I had no problem with the equity release - her money to do with whatever she wanted to. BIL however thought that it was his inheritance and that she should live according to her means.
She did the equity release :lol:
Last year he got himself in a state when he discovered that the lifetime mortgage was up to about £80K and her house was worth about £200K - he insisted that she cash in all her savings and premium bonds (about £30K) and pay off some of the loan.
This would leave her with no money apart from her pensions.
She was in bits - crying and very distressed.
I called on a Financial Advisor friend to chat to her about what was the sensible thing to do. He advised her to keep the cash in a deposit account in case she needed it for anything - she also made a will and a lasting power of attorney - naming me as the executor and her attorney. She couldn't make OH one as it would have meant that she had to make BIL equally.
She was much happier in the run up to her death, knowing that everything was in order.
Her house is now in the process of being sold and the estate will be split between OH and BIL.
IMHO the money and property that your parents have amassed over the years is theirs and theirs alone - it should be used to make sure that they live in comfort and secure in the knowledge that if they need something the money is there to cover it. We have no entitlement. If my MIL had needed to go into a home there would still have been some money for that and I wouldn't have cared if it had all had to go on making sure that her final days were as comfortable as possible.
BIL will probably get about £55K when everything is settled - he's not happy but that's tough :twisted:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Meganthemog » May 22nd, 2017, 4:21 pm

Sorry that was the point I was coming to - it was a form of abuse.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » May 22nd, 2017, 6:56 pm

I totally agree that it is the individual's choice what they do with their money. I wish I could persuade my mother to spend more on things to help her in the house, like a downstairs loo. Some perhaps though want to leave their money to their children.

I am glad I am not a policy maker!

I got home to messages from my mother's nursing home to say they are sending her home tomorrow. So much for giving me lots of notice, as promised. They only told her today as well, an she is not happy. I think she is afraid. She was very defensive and snappish on the phone then reproachful because I haven't visited her for ages. It's been less than two weeks, I pointed out, but it's felt longer, she says. So I suppose I must take into account perceived time as well as actual time :) I asked her to ring me when she is hope tomorrow to let me know that she is ok, or not ok, if that's the case. "Well there's no point in tell you if I am not ok because you can't do anything about it when you are so far away!"
Oh dear!
I said I could listen and sympathize.

This may be why I went out and left the keys inside! (I have never done this before at this house.)

Oh she knew about the government proposals, but didn't seem bothered, so that's ok. Tbh I think the only thing that would be problematic would be if the assessment upsets her. Applying for her attendance allowance was an exhausting nightmare for all three of us.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Busybee » May 22nd, 2017, 7:11 pm

Oh Herbi, sending you strength and hugs :hug: :hug:

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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » May 22nd, 2017, 7:44 pm

It's alright. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself I suppose. Thank you though.

I am sure she will be ok too. I wish I could be there for her tomorrow. She said she was afraid of being lonely. There are people going in and out of her room all the time in the home (which she has complained about.) But said she'd rather die than live in a home. There is no solution really. Day centre? Do such things exist still?

Off to google.

Of course what she really wants is someone to live with her...
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby earthmaiden » May 22nd, 2017, 8:23 pm

:hug: :hug: :hug: Herbi. I have found more than once that these things work themselves out. The person goes home, doesn't cope as well as they thought etc..... very hard while it's all going on, especially if you live miles away. There aren't any day centres left here - they were good. It has occurred to me more than once that to employ someone to be there much of the time would probably cost less than living in a nursing home in actual fact, it's worth looking at.

I am completely confused about the Conservative party proposals now ... :?
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Luca » May 22nd, 2017, 8:28 pm

:hug: :hug: Herbi. Look after yourself. It is so hard.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby StokeySue » May 22nd, 2017, 8:47 pm

:hug: :hug: Herbi, a shock and a lot of worry
Take care of yourself, first of all
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby mogatogs » May 23rd, 2017, 5:25 am

Herbie, there are still day centres around also a good many churches have lunch clubs, activity groups hope your Mum has a good social worker to help you both, would your Mum consider sheltered housing? :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » May 23rd, 2017, 7:12 am

Thank you. I will look into sheltered housing. See is a church attender, and I know they have something once a week. I think will wait and see how she feels after she gets home again. I know that one can get a bit institutionalized surprisingly quickly, and it's been nearly 6 weeks (?) since she's been home so I understand why she is apprehensive.

edited for typos!
Last edited by Herbidacious on May 23rd, 2017, 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby uschi » May 23rd, 2017, 8:03 am

I think the church do is a good idea. Maybe someone from the congretation could be found to look in on her once in a while for a small fee? Just to make sure she's OK and she can cope?
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby PurpleLuv » May 23rd, 2017, 9:00 am

Lots of day centres etc. in my area get posted on FB Hebi, try asking the question if she have a local page.x
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » May 23rd, 2017, 9:04 am

Have a look on the Age UK website ... some areas have visitor schemes etc ... I found them very helpful about several things http://www.ageuk.org.uk/ :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » May 23rd, 2017, 6:00 pm

Thank you!

She didn't get sent home in the end today. Tomorrow perhaps... at least she got to have a shower today.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Amber » May 23rd, 2017, 8:22 pm

Herbidacious wrote:There is no solution really.


Exactly.

Of course what she really wants is someone to live with her...


Exactly again. :(
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby nursemimi » June 7th, 2017, 4:21 pm

Morning all well i just had a very strange phone call from my step dad. To make a long story short he thinks my mother has been out here in Oklahoma with me and moms twin has been taking care of him. She doesn't have a twin. She hasn't been here. She did go to a meeting for work. Today but it doesn't sound very good I knew he was having some memory problems. But it sounds like things have taken a huge spiral down very suddenly. He had a doctor appt earlier this week no infections so that isn't causing anything. This really stinks. And i am too far away to help all they time

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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » June 7th, 2017, 4:37 pm

Oh dear. So sorry to hear that. Very worrying.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby nursemimi » June 7th, 2017, 4:41 pm

Yeah i called mom she is headed home. And a friend of theirs is headed over to check on him

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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby scullion » June 7th, 2017, 5:01 pm

hmm, doesn't sound hopeful, does it?
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Chinchilla_lady » June 7th, 2017, 5:08 pm

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear this, sounds like how quickly 'it' affected my mum. :cry:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Luca » June 7th, 2017, 5:09 pm

Very sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself too nursemimi.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » June 7th, 2017, 6:32 pm

Nursemimi :hug: :hug: :hug:
Remember we're here ... you don't have to talk to us but we're here if you need to.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Ratatouille » June 7th, 2017, 6:33 pm

Oh dear, hope everything works out,
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby StokeySue » June 7th, 2017, 7:37 pm

Nursemimi, best wishes to you and you mom :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Busybee » June 7th, 2017, 7:45 pm

:hug: :hug: Nursemimi. Hope all is as well as it can be.

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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby earthmaiden » June 7th, 2017, 8:03 pm

:hug: :hug: Nursemimi. What a worrying time.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby nursemimi » June 7th, 2017, 10:18 pm

Thank you all b just talked to mom. He is better this evening. But still somewhat confused She is looking into a sitter for when she has to work.

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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Amber » June 7th, 2017, 11:12 pm

nursemimi wrote: She is looking into a sitter for when she has to work.


Be prepared, he may love the idea....or, he may hate it. Good luck.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Zosherooney » June 8th, 2017, 5:09 am

Sorry to hear of your dilemma NM. :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby uschi » June 8th, 2017, 7:08 am

I am so sorry to hear this, Mimi. Fingers crossed it is something else and this is just the side-effect!
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby icelesley » June 8th, 2017, 8:19 am

:hug: :hug: :hug: Mimi, it is so difficult when you are so far away from them. Fingers crossed everything turns out OK :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Ratatouille » June 8th, 2017, 8:37 am

How very worrying Mimi. I do hope something can be sorted :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby PurpleLuv » June 8th, 2017, 9:32 am

:hug: thinking of you Mimi :hug: I think you need an urgent diagnosis then you know what you are dealing with :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » June 8th, 2017, 10:28 am

I wonder if he's had a TIA (Transient Ischaemic Attack aka Mini Stroke) - Pa had some ... he'd be quite confused for a little while and then right as rain ......
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Seatallan » June 8th, 2017, 10:40 am

Yes, I was wondering the same Suffs. Or a urinary tract infection possibly?

Thinking of you nursemimi :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Pepper Pig » June 8th, 2017, 11:59 am

It does sound like a TIA. OH started having those in 2002. The UTI thing is plausible too.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby PurpleLuv » June 8th, 2017, 12:43 pm

I know you said no infections but my dad was very confused & anything but himself with Sepsis for weeks before A&E diagnosis caused initially we think by an insect bite.x
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Herbidacious » June 8th, 2017, 4:06 pm

:hug: to Nurse mimi. hoping it is some sort of infection. My mother has had a few episodes when not well and it can come on quickly.

Last time she went into hospital she'd only had a little fall, and no infection, but when I rang her at home, she thought she was in the hospital waiting room. (She had paramedics with her at the time.) She's also hallucinated a few times with infections.
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Amber » June 8th, 2017, 11:46 pm

Herbidacious wrote:She's also hallucinated a few times with infections.


Some medications have the same effect too....scary!
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby nursemimi » June 9th, 2017, 11:56 am

Thank you all. We have had him checked for UTI nothing there. He had a much better day yesterday thank heavens.
I will see if they checked for a TIA at the moment I cant remember. He has an appointment with his doctor monday

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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » June 9th, 2017, 12:17 pm

Thinking of you and sending all positive thoughts your way Nursemimi :hug:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby nursemimi » June 9th, 2017, 12:20 pm

:hug: :hug: Thank you

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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Zosherooney » June 28th, 2017, 1:21 pm

Adding this here as I don't wish to start a Eulogy thread. I have prepped mine for Dad's internment and am reasonably happy with the 5 min speech just wanted to check with you all what you might feel was the important things to say and not have an element of 'I wish I had known that detail' moment after the event.... :luv:
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » June 28th, 2017, 1:48 pm

Sounds like a good idea Zosh ... :)
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Amber » June 28th, 2017, 8:15 pm

Maybe not the time nor the place, but I wanted to (very) publically thank some very special people.
I still feel very good about doing it. They deserved it.
(I managed to keep very quiet about certain other people :evil: ...!!)
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby suffolk » June 29th, 2017, 7:36 am

My son in law had only known my parents in their very old age ... he sent me a text after her Thanksgiving saying "... it was a beautiful day yesterday and I think that you and P sent her off in style. It felt like I finally got to know your mum and wow, she was an amazing lady."

So I would say, remember to include the stuff that people who knew him in his later years won't know ... the stuff that made him the man he became ... and don't leave out the funny bits. :)
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Re: Looking after our parents (part 2)

Postby Meganthemog » June 29th, 2017, 10:39 am

At my MIL's funeral my OH had put together a little booklet that included the eulogy and lots of pics of her from childhood to one taken in old age. We produced enough for people to take away if they wanted and also to send to those that couldn't make it. Everyone said how lovely it was to have the eulogy to read later when they could really take it all in.
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