THE DAILY YOKE

[Grasshopper]

It's a bxxger getting old.

Last week, I went to a lap dancing club.

The dancer came over to me, and whispered in my ear - "I can offer you super sex".

I said - "Oh lovely - I'll go for the soup, please."

Grasshopper

[dennispc]

The Easter Bunny went into a cafe, ordered a cheese toastie, a ham toastie and a tuna toastie.

Ate the lot and dropped dead.

In heaven she was asked what killed her, she replied

“mixin'ma toasties.”

[dennispc]

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise it was an Apple,

but with extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

[Zosherooney]

Dennis !

[dennispc]

Dennis !

Why thank you Zosherooney, the first one came from OH's FB page - family only - and someone replied

'That's a rare bit of humour'

Someone else added, 'No no no, the Easter Bunny can't die on Easter Day.'

[Zosherooney]

I missed the first one........Hilarious.........

[dennispc]

Brace yourselves.

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

[Zosherooney]

Oh heck Dennis.....

[cooksalot]

Brace yourselves.

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

That one is a classic!

[dennispc]

Thank you - yesterday in small street by Exeter's Cathedral School was a small cafe - chalk board hang in the door way with it's joke of the day. That was it. Can't believe they have jokes like that every day!

[Grasshopper]

What do you call a tree with a sore throat?

A hoarse chestnut!


Grasshopper

[Gruney]

One from Milton Jones, who I think is excellent.

"I'm not very good at French - in fact I can't even count up to ten.

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept -- and then I start to feel really ill.

I've got a huite intolerance."

[hickybank]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
so we decided to get married.


There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[dennispc]

Two gems, thanks to both of you.

[Gruney]

Chap goes to see the doctor.

"I've got a problem - I swallowed my glass eye last week, and I still haven't passed it".

" Go over to there and get undressed, and I'll have a look".

Doctor examines and probes.

" I can't see anything".

"Well that's funny - I can see you".

[aero280]

A couple from the paper this morning...

"We've gone from a hung parliament to a bung parliament".

"I've been paying NI contributions for years. Now I know what they were for!".

[TeresaFoodie]

The glass eye one! I roared!

[Grasshopper]

Gruney - that is a classic!

Grasshopper

[Gruney]

Caesar and Brutus get tickets for the final.

Brutus is late,turning up at half time.

"Sorry I'm late, Caesar, but there's been a bad accident - chariots all over the place - I've had to ditch mine and walk. What's the score?"

Caesar replies - "eight two Brute".

[aero280]

Not really a joke, but those internet algorithms need improving, the ones that automatically recommend another product similar to the one you have just bought...

A friend bought some plastic parts for his car's suspension. Different colours for different grades of performance.

His parts were purple...

The next time he went on-line he found that eBay was recommending he buys these similar items

[Luca]

Classic!

[TeresaFoodie]

I once knew a mathematician who was constipated. He ended up working it out with a pencil.

[hickybank]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Gruney]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6".
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

[aero280]

[suffolk]

[dennispc]

"Noah!"

"Yes Lord?"

"Build me an ark."

"But Lord, I already did that."

"Build another one, this time with seven decks.

"Seven decks?"

"Yes, seven. And ensure that the lowest deck is watertight, fill it with water and put in some carp."

"Carp? Very well, as you wish, Lord. And the second deck?"

"Water and carp, likewise the third deck."

"My I venture a guess, Lord? Thy mysterious ways move thee to command a further four decks of water & carp?"

"Yes, Noah, but not mysterious. I require a multi-storey carp-ark."

[dennispc]

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Speaking firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man whispered, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

[Luca]

[Zosherooney]

Love both of those !!!

[dennispc]

WARNING! Some could be considered rude as well as old.

12 Great One Liners

Here are twelve classic one-liners from some masters of the craft. Are they the best ever told?

Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”

Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”

Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”

Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."

Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”

Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”

Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"

Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

My favourite is Ross Noble's.

[Zosherooney]

Excellent Denn....

We still have Tim Vine recorded and I must get round to watching it again....

[TeresaFoodie]

Brilliant!

[dennispc]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

[TeresaFoodie]

One of all time favourites.

[Herbidacious]

Oh yes. me too.

And while we are on the blague du jour theme:

[scullion]

hahaha, love it!

[Zosherooney]

Quite topical ATM... Please excuse the swearing...

A man is sat having a drink in an airport lounge, waiting for his flight to be called.
As he is sat there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She is wearing a uniform and he thinks "She must be cabin crew for one of the top airlines. I'll find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her."
Thinking it might be British Airways, he says "The worlds favourite airline?"
She looks at him a little quizzically, but says nothing and just goes back to her drink.
So he thinks "Maybe it's Singapore Airlines," and says "A better way to fly?"
Again she looks at him, but says nothing and goes back to her drink.
So he thinks "Maybe it's Thai Airlines. Their tagline is "As smooth as Silk""
So he says to her "As smooth as silk?"
She turns to him and says, very aggressively "What the fuck do you want?"
And he says "Ahhhh...RyanAir!”

Micheal O'Leary, arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replies, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition," said the barman, "and we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8 p.m. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland."
"That is remarkable value," comments Michael.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably be needing one of ours. That will be 3 euros please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euros. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro. Also, I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please?"
Michael attempts to sit in the frame but it is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains, "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of 4 euros for your seat sir."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous. I've had enough, What sort of bar is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday by dialing this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second."
"I will never use this bar again!"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro.”

[dennispc]

[aero280]

A delivery driver stopped and asked what the time was. The reply was "Somewhere between 8am and 6pm"...

[suffolk]

[earthmaiden]

I don't always look at this thread but love the last 2 jokes!

[aero280]

Not a joke, but very funny!!

If you know about penalty shoot-outs in Football. http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/41728826

[TeresaFoodie]

Not a joke, but very funny!!

If you know about penalty shoot-outs in Football. http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/41728826

That is embarrassingly painful to watch whilst at the same time funny!

[Luca]

Some great jokes her and pity the poor goalie! He'll never live it down. Twit.

[aero280]

An acquaintance on the Saab car forum has a problem.

Their car has trouble on hills. It gets near to the top and then rolls back down to the bottom. Can anyone spot the problem?

[scullion]

love it.

[Gruney]

Excellent!

[slimpersoninside]

?????????

[PurpleLuv]

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."